Invective Against Dogs

Dear and most cherished Readers,

I have a confession to make.  I am excessively fond of my three human pets and in particular my girl.  Therefore, I have allowed them to bring in not one, but two pets of their own.  My girl has been nervous of late, ever since the burglary of our home.  So, I allowed her to search for a dog to enable her to sleep more peacefully at night.  She came home with two, and I turned into a giant softy and allowed her to keep them.  Both.

I have to admit, it's sort of nice having giant blockhead dogs around to act as bouncers for our yard.  I no longer have to fight off the neighbors cat who keeps trying to take parts of my territory, or worry about the coyotes that live up the hill.  And to be fair, they do understand the importance of naps.  This does recommend them as not being entirely without virtue. 

And yet, here I am writing invectives to you against the very dogs I allowed to enter my home.  I may admit that they have their uses, but I certainly don't enjoy many of their antics.  Yes, yes, they keep out the coyotes.  But there are two of them and they are so very dull and tedious at times.

Truly, is there anything more disgusting than a dog?  They are excitable in the extreme.  Today I watched as they worked themselves into a frenzy because one of my human pets came into the room holding a pair of socks.  One can only assume that this signaled to the hideously stupid creatures that a walk was imminent.  Whatever tiny shred of dignity it is that dogs may retain on other occasions was lost instantly upon sighting the socks.  It is embarrassing to have such animals around at times.  As pets for my pets, or as I like to view them, my employees, it is embarrassing that they should have so little intelligence and dignity about them.

I know that as cats we are excessively attentive to our dignity.  Yet, one ought to be embarrassed for being so unabashedly excited about even the possibility of a walk.  Clearly, this is spoken from one with very little experience with dogs.  It seems they are barely able to contain themselves long enough to have the leashes put on.  And that is another thing.  I know that they are the pets of my pets, but to submit to being tied to a string.... terrible.  Dogs, however, seem entirely ignorant of their constant humiliation.

I suppose I ought not complain since I find them useful in some respects.  But could they not behave with just the smallest bit of dignity?  I know grace and elegance is beyond the mastery of a dog.  But could they not at least bathe themselves on occasion?  Or try not to drool all over themselves after a drink because they forget to close their mouths?  They eat anything without thought and sometimes without even a pretense at chewing.  They roll in the dirt, yes it's vile and also oddly interesting to watch from above.  And they bark at everything that moves and anyone who speaks.  Truly, dogs are the worst.  It's a miracle I have had the patience to deal with them at all.

Sigh, the things we do for love.  Never say I didn't care for my human.  Until then, I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

P.S.  If you think of a better way of protecting my human from her fears of intruders I will listen with bated breath and quivering whiskers.

The Art of Hiding in Plain Sight

Cherished Readers,

Any feline worthy of the name cat ought to have the ability to hide in plain sight.  Truly it is a simple concept but the execution of it is anything but.  And yet, we cats are a talented and worthy species.  You see, hiding in plain sight is an art form.  Naturally there are gifted members of any species that can do so, but none so well as a cat.  And true masters of this art form have worked for years to perfect it.  Sometimes ultimate perfection in this method occurs after only several lifetimes of the cat in question while gifted cats achieve perfection in their first life.  Regardless of how long it takes an individual cat to achieve mastery of the art, cats are naturally better at this because of our inherent arrogance.  Hiding in plain sight requires a certain arrogance.  A certain "you cannot see me because I do not wish you to see me" sort of approach to the moment.

"Cat? What Cat?" photo via Flickr by Trish Hamme

That is right, human readers of rare intellect and feline friends, the trick to hiding in the middle of exposed fields or being invisible while standing in the open is all in the attitude.  A cat can make itself less visible by sheer force of will just as it can make you feel it's gaze on your back when it wishes to be noticed.  A cat, in other words, is capable of hiding in plain sight because only a cat has the force of will and natural arrogance to do it right.

Humans are not so good at hiding in plain sight because they think too much about the consequences.  If you were to place a human in a situation where they needed to hide while plainly visible they would fail nearly every time.  This is because it is rare for a human to be capable of silencing thoughts of the dire consequences that could arise if they fail to hide in plain sight.  Cats on the other hand are possessed of marvelous, dare I say, even miraculous levels of self confidence.  A cat knows precisely what it is capable of achieving and doubt only entered our vocabulary when we began owning human pets.  No self-respecting cat would doubt it's ability to do anything especially a concept as simple as hiding by sheer force of will.

The dog cannot see me because I am hiding behind this ball of twine. - Photo by Madder Hatter

Likewise a cat is not preoccupied with thoughts of the terrible things that will happen to it when it has failed to hide in plain view.  This is because the natural arrogance of a cat leaves this idea as firmly impossible.  The rare cat who does fail, deals with the consequences quickly, rationally and effectively so that even a failed attempt to hide in plain sight does not appear foolish but merely one of many tactics for a bad situation.  A cat may freeze upon seeing a dog and will itself invisible.  If by some catastrophe the dog smells the cat or glances at just the right time and sees the cat, the cat immediately enacts plan B which could be running, climbing a tree, or facing down the dog with claws drawn.  More often than not the cat is successful and remains invisible by sheer force of will.  Because a cat does not entertain the notion of failing it succeeds and this leaves it free to remain where it is and prevent the unnecessary expenditure of energy that flying up the nearest tree or fence would require.

Arrogance and will.  That is all it requires.  A cat does not fail to be invisible in the open because it has full faith in its abilities and also the inferiority of whatever species it is hiding from.  A cat can shield itself from view by a single blade of grass with only the desire to not be seen and the arrogance that they can do so.  Over time reality can not be made different than it is, but in a single moment you can be invisible simply because you will it so with an arrogance that defies reality and wins.  Arrogance is generally seen as a negative quality amongst humans but this is only because they do not know what true superiority looks like.

"Cat Stalking" photo via Flickr by Dennis Carr

The majority of humans who are arrogant are obnoxious because they believe themselves to be superior when everyone else can plainly see that they are not.  Arrogance in cats just is because cats truly are superior.  You are not labeled as an arrogant ass of a human if you truly are the best at what you do.  If you are the gold medalist in archery nobody thinks you are arrogant for saying so.  The problem lies in the difference between your perception of yourself and reality.  But cats are firmly grounded in reality.  We are arrogant yes, but in the best way. 

So, that is the lesson for today.  Do not underestimate the power of the will and the power of the mind.  True belief in yourself and the will to see things through are more powerful than many humans think.  So, go forth, be arrogant, be stubborn, have will power and succeed, even in the impossible.

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Secret of Life

Dear Cherished Readers,

The secret to life is really quite simple.  It all comes down to one word.  One simple act.  One nap.  Yes, dear readers, the best thing in life is a good nap.  A bright ray of sunshine falling deliciously onto a fuzzy blanket.  A pile of clean laundry on top of a comfy chair giving you a tower for the perfect nap.  An open sock drawer just begging for your attention.  A quick nap in any of these locations or really anywhere warm and cozy is the answer.

Leave me in peace to nap - photo by Madder Hatter

You see, a catnap is the secret to life.  There is nothing better.  Nothing makes you happier or more content with life.  Eating is sustenance.  Chasing string, getting your chin stroked by an affectionate human, and hunting are temporary joys.  But a catnap, however long or short, just makes life better.  You wake up refreshed.  Stretching after a nap is the best feeling in the world.  Your eyes are brighter, your whiskers are renewed, and maybe it's just me, but I swear your fur is softer.

Yes, a cat nap is the secret to living life well.  There are no cares in the beautiful world of cat naps and the world is just a better place when you wake up from one. 

Farewell, dear readers, I'm going to take my own advice and curl up on a pile of fuzzy blankets for a nice nap.  I'll see you when I wake up all refreshed and happy with life.

As ever, I'm at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Dear Kitten Letter about Dogs

Dear and cherished Readers,
This cat knows what he is talking about. In his first letter, which you can find here, he gives general life advice to young kittens.  This letter however expresses profound truths about life with dogs.  Suffering through the presence of not one, but two, horribly large and stupid dogs I have to say his thoughts on them are accurate.  Including his advice on allowing them to eat your food.  Take notes fellow felines.



Also, he is completely right about their marketing ploy.  We should really find out how they came up with that and recruit the being responsible for it to our side.  Just a thought.

Oh, and remember that it may be good for your pet to have these pets to keep them company, but don't ever let your human come near you with a string/leash.  Some indignities are just not to be contemplated. 

I have brought you these letters because I hope they will be of use to you.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Dear Kitten Letter

Dear Feline and Human Readers,
This letter "Dear Kitten" is from a wise older cat to a young kitten.  In it the sage advice of the older cat is given freely to young kittens everywhere.  He speaks many truths about life and especially life with humans.  He also talks about the ambrosia that comes in little tin cans that we love. 



If you do figure out how to open the little cans filled with wet food, please do let me know.  I hope the other pieces of advice in this letter are of use to you.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
 

Staring at Humans

Dear Readers,
Staring is an ancient and time-honoured art amongst the noble feline race.  Cats practice many years to hone their staring skills and perfect the exact impression they are trying to make on you.  A stare can communicate so much and often can induce action in even the laziest and most stupid of humans.  Staring is a cat's most versatile tool and communicating device.

A great example of an intense stare...  "A cat in the backyard" photo via Flickr by Henrik B. Aasnes

Humans are far too dense to understand our rich and varied language and the nuances of our feelings.  If you want to communicate with a human you will need to use short very simple words and very clear looks.  Often a stare is more effective than even the most basic of words.

For instance, even a human can tell that this is an angry look.  They may not understand why but they will know that you are not happy. 

"Angry Blue Eyed Grey Cat" photo via Flickr by Felinest

A clever human may figure out the reason for the look if you give him a bit of time to digest his thoughts.  But not all meet with success.

The next look is obvious to any human who has spent time with cats.  They will, even if it's a fraction slow, recognize the excitement and widened eyes and know you are about to pounce.

"f/1.0" photo via Flickr by Assi Koskinen

Now a human may not be clever enough to understand the nuance of the next look.  But they will be able to figure out from the half covered face and the slinking cat body behind the wall that you are either stalking something or playing with them.  They'll know it's a sneaky face.

"Slightly Suspicious" photo via Flickr by Abri le Roux

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is the face of a cat who does not wish to be disturbed.  This face says "How dare you speak to me, human?  I was attempting to nap!"  If the human continues approaching or speaking to you once you've given them this look then I fear your human is beyond help.  If, however, they retreat knowingly after receiving this stare, you may have a rare and intelligent human pet.

"Reflec(a)t II" photo via Flickr by Ahmed Mahin Fayaz

While you and I, gentle feline reader, know exactly what this next look says, most humans will not be able to decipher the meaning of this stare.  They may wonder if you want something.  They may think you wish to be petted.  They may ask if you want food.  Your human pet may lean in closer and ask you stupidly, "What?"  Or your human might even think that you are telling them you love them.  Silly humans.  The truth is, this is not direct enough a stare to inform them of your desires.  I can tell from the exact lift of the brows, the precision of the direct gaze, and the perfectly positioned whiskers that this cat wishes to go outside.  But she will probably need to be more blunt with humans.  Only very smart human pets will know what you mean with this stare, unless of course you stare at them this way from the door and also yell "NOW!" at them. 

"My Auburn Poser" photo via Flickr by L. Whittaker

But this is only a small range of the stares that a cat can do.  Any number of stares that express boredom or annoyance can be immensely satisfying and communicative.  There is the

"Oh, what now?"

"If You Must" photo via Flickr by Michael Coghlan

 Then there is the "Your games bore me"

"Untitled" photo via Flickr by Erin Murphy

But perhaps the best of all the different types of stares that a cat can give to a human are the ones of disdain.  Disdainful stares are by far the must fun and also the easiest for any human to interpret.  Even a dull human who has never interacted with a cat before will realize that he is being judged when you give him a properly disdainful stare.

"How dare you interrupt my important cat business."

"Pure disdain" photo via Flickr by B.

Disdain is so useful.

"No foolish human, I do not wish to 'go outside'" photo via Flickr by Hilary Perkins

A truly excellent disdainful stare can get a human to pause and rethink whatever they were doing.  No human likes to be judged and a well placed disdainful stare can make them think, which is a huge leap forward for the poor things.

Mastering the art of staring at humans may be a time consuming process but it is well worth the effort.  The perfect stare can get your human to not only understand you, but also obey you with greater efficiency.  Staring at humans is the best way to communicate with them without attempting to teach them our language or having to gesture wildly to be understood.

Try it some time and you may be surprised at the new ease of communication between you and your human pet.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Customs of cats: evil or not evil?

Cherished Readers,
I just read an article on Cracked.com that says that many of our logical behaviors as cats are actually quite evil.  The article, entitled "6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations" seems to think that doing all these things is rather rude.  But I argue that this is only because it is viewed in a backwards and very unenlightened manner.

Reason 4 of their article: "Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership"
It is not evil or rude of me to rub against your legs and claim you with my scent because I do own you.  You, human pet, are in fact my property.  That is the very notion of pet-owning.  It would be very inconsiderate of me to not claim you when I greeted you.  Wouldn't you feel slighted if I refused to say hello, told you I do not like or claim you, and then went and shared my love with a chair and claimed it instead?  I should think so at any rate.

Reason 6 of their article: "Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human"
It is also not evil of us to imitate the frequencies of human babies in our urgent calls to you.  We know you are not smart enough to handle our complex language so we adapt our calls to make them understandable to you.  I hardly find that evil.  I think that's rather considerate as a matter of fact.

Reason 5 of their article: "Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult"

Yes, we can be territorial, and yes we do sometimes use ancient territorial customs of waste markings to show who is in control of a certain area.  But don't take offense at this.  You are our pets, we aren't trying to offend you.  We are just stating facts and there is nothing evil about owning to the truth.  Don't label our actions as evil just because your pride gets hurt a little.  Silly humans.

Reason 1 of their article: "Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting"

And lastly, I'd like to say that it is not evil of us to try to teach you how to hunt.  If we try to get you to chase live lizards or bring you dead rodents it is because we worry about what will happen to you if we aren't around to provide for you.  We cats are concerned about our human pets' well being and hunting is so important to stability and happiness.  You can't be happy if you can't hunt and eat and live well.

Showing my human how to stalk things in tall grass. - photo by Madder Hatter

This author is amazed that such simple things could be so misunderstood.  Perhaps humans are more easily offended than I thought.  Perhaps I'm just lucky to have a good-natured human pet.  I hope this clears up a few things for the other human pets out there who may read this.

You must excuse me, there is a string tempting me from the corner that must be chased and killed.  I must bid you farewell for the time being.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

xx
Miss Kitty
  

My Human Must be Cold

Dear Reader,

This author has come to the conclusion that humans must be cold all the time.  Why else would they invent a laptop?  They have plenty of other rectangles to stare at.  I have concluded it's only interesting feature is that it provides warmth.  I suppose it also helps that it can be placed on the lap.

"But wait," I hear you cry "warming human laps is one of our jobs as a cat!"

Yes, fellow feline friend, our place is being threatened by the portable rectangle known as a laptop.  But fret not, clever kitties.  We can overcome this threat.  Just the other day I came in for my customary nap on my human and I discovered my human in her usual place.  Everything seemed fine as I approached her ready to nap on her legs as is our custom.  Suddenly, I saw it, the offending laptop, perched across her legs.

Me in my rightful place - photo by Madder Hatter

Now, being a generous master I do not begrudge her the laptop as a lap warmer when I am otherwise engaged.  However, I could not tolerate the laptop taking my place during my customary time for napping upon her legs.  Now, I prefer to nap on her knees and I could have shared her lap with the rectangle.  But cats do not share.  Not to mention that it could have set a dangerous precedent.

So, I did what any self-respecting cat would do and I promptly sat on top of the keyboard of the offending lap rectangle to express my displeasure that she should place it on her lap and be more interested in it than me, her owner.  She moved me and the laptop and set me on her lap.  All seemed well for a few seconds.  But she is a clever pet and had dangerous ideas.

She scooted lower so that she could lie on her pillows with me stretched out on her legs and her laptop suddenly reappeared on her stomach.  Well, this was unacceptable.  I, as a cat, cannot share my human with anything and especially not a rectangle, however warm it may be.  So I got up and stared at her over the rim of the screen until she realized my displeasure.

Remove this offensive rectangle from my sight at once! -
photo by Madder Hatter

Then she set the laptop aside again and I stretched out over as much of her legs and stomach as possible.  Normally I like sleeping on her knees for unique draping opportunities and also because I am bothered less by her breathing.  I face her toes because I like to pounce on them if they wiggle temptingly beneath blankets and I like to always be ready.  But drastic times call for drastic measures and I needed to remind her she was all mine and not to be shared.  So, I faced her with a meaningful stare and only relented and closed my eyes when she had settled in with a book.

Don't you even think about bringing the laptop back. -
photo by Madder Hatter

Books are excellent hobbies for pets.  Books entertain but never create noise or share lap space that ought to be a cat's by right.  Books keep humans still for hours and are therefore perfect for naptime.  My advice is that you should encourage book reading in your pets as far as their nature allows it.  And you can continue to heat their laps while they read in companionable and restful silence.

I hope you found this advice about defeating the threat of the heating rectangle useful.  Now, go forth! Warm laps, take naps and conquer.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Gentle Reminders that Cats are in Charge

Every so often your human may come to the erroneous conclusion that they are in control of anything.  But more to the point they occasionally believe they can control you.  It could be a simple lapse in judgement.

Your pet may believe they have the right to dictate your sleeping hours and wake you when they choose.  They may believe they have the right to serve you different food.  A good sniff of the offending new food and a gentle refusal to eat it will cure them of that thought.

Or your human pet may think that they have the right to scratch your cheeks whenever they desire.  In such cases a gentle reminder that you may only be petted when you decide to is probably best.  No claws are required.  Remember you are trying to be gentle.  But do remain firm.

Here is an excellent example of the third scenario and the appropriate response to it.

Down peasant.  I have not given you leave to pet me.

This gif is courtesy of BuzzFeed Animals.

This is how you remind your pet who is in charge.

Now, I'll you'll excuse me there is a basket of clean laundry that requires my attention.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Kittens, Leaves, and Life Lessons

Today, Cherished Reader, I offer you a poem by William Wordsworth about a kitten playing with falling leaves.  Note how the kitten plays with abandon and is honing his hunting skills by such play.  Pay close attention to the kitten's attitude toward and audience and the lessons that the poet learns from this scene.  He is uncommonly perceptive for a human.

"First Time Outside - Orange Kitten in Autumn Leaves" photo via Flickr by Dan Zen

 

The Kitten And Falling Leaves by William Wordsworth

THAT way look, my Infant, lo!
What a pretty baby-show!
See the kitten on the wall,
Sporting with the leaves that fall,
Withered leaves---one---two---and three---
From the lofty elder-tree!
Through the calm and frosty air
Of this morning bright and fair,
Eddying round and round they sink
Softly, slowly: one might think,
From the motions that are made,
Every little leaf conveyed
Sylph or Faery hither tending,---
To this lower world descending,
Each invisible and mute,

"Untitled" photo via Flickr by Hannah Johnson

In his wavering parachute.
---But the Kitten, how she starts,
Crouches, stretches, paws, and darts!
First at one, and then its fellow
Just as light and just as yellow;
There are many now---now one---
Now they stop and there are none
What intenseness of desire
In her upward eye of fire!
With a tiger-leap half way
Now she meets the coming prey,
Lets it go as fast, and then
Has it in her power again:
Now she works with three or four,
Like an Indian conjurer;
Quick as he in feats of art,
Far beyond in joy of heart.
Were her antics played in the eye
Of a thousand standers-by,
Clapping hands with shout and stare,
What would little Tabby care
For the plaudits of the crowd?
Over happy to be proud,
Over wealthy in the treasure
Of her own exceeding pleasure!

'Tis a pretty baby-treat;
Nor, I deem, for me unmeet;
Here, for neither Babe nor me,
Other play-mate can I see.
Of the countless living things,
That with stir of feet and wings
(In the sun or under shade,
Upon bough or grassy blade)
And with busy revellings,
Chirp and song, and murmurings,
Made this orchard's narrow space,
And this vale so blithe a place;
Multitudes are swept away
Never more to breathe the day:
Some are sleeping; some in bands
Travelled into distant lands;
Others slunk to moor and wood,
Far from human neighborhood;
And, among the Kinds that keep
With us closer fellowship,
With us openly abide,
All have laid their mirth aside.

"Untitled" photo via Flickr by Hannah Johnson

Where is he that giddy Sprite,
Blue-cap, with his colors bright,
Who was blest as bird could be,
Feeding in the apple-tree;
Made such wanton spoil and rout,
Turning blossoms inside out;
Hung---head pointing towards the ground---
Fluttered, perched, into a round
Bound himself, and then unbound;
Lithest, gaudiest Harlequin!
Prettiest Tumbler ever seen!
Light of heart and light of limb;
What is now become of Him?
Lambs, that through the mountains went
Frisking, bleating merriment,
When the year was in its prime,
They are sobered by this time.
If you look to vale or hill,
If you listen, all is still,
Save a little neighboring rill,
That from out the rocky ground
Strikes a solitary sound.
Vainly glitter hill and plain,
And the air is calm in vain;
Vainly Morning spreads the lure
Of a sky serene and pure;
Creature none can she decoy
Into open sign of joy:
Is it that they have a fear
Of the dreary season near?
Or that other pleasures be
Sweeter even than gaiety ?

Yet, whate'er enjoyments dwell
In the impenetrable cell
Of the silent heart which Nature
Furnishes to every creature;
Whatsoe'er we feel and know
Too sedate for outward show,
Such a light of gladness breaks,
Pretty Kitten! from thy freaks,---
Spreads with such a living grace
O'er my little Dora's face;
Yes, the sight so stirs and charms
Thee, Baby, laughing in my arms,
That almost I could repine
That your transports are not mine,
That I do not wholly fare
Even as ye do, thoughtless pair!
And I will have my careless season
Spite of melancholy reason,

"Untitled" photo via Flickr by Hannah Johnson

Will walk through life in such a way
That, when time brings on decay,
Now and then I may possess
Hours of perfect gladsomeness.
---Pleased by any random toy;
By a kitten's busy joy,
Or an infant's laughing eye
Sharing in the ecstasy;
I would fare like that or this,
Find my wisdom in my bliss;
Keep the sprightly soul awake,
And have faculties to take,
Even from things by sorrow wrought,
Matter for a jocund thought,
Spite of care, and spite of grief,
To gambol with Life's falling Leaf.

 

- William Wordsworth

The poet, William Wordsworth is rather observant and has from this brief scene learned several things.  He has noted that the kitten does not care if he has an audience or not.  We cats care nothing for the approbation of humans.  We play our games and engage in our sport purely for our own benefit not to gain the applause of others.  Seeking such approval is beneath us.  This is a lesson that many humans could benefit from.  True happiness does not lie in the approval of others.  The only approval you need for rational happiness is your own, and of course your owner, the cat.  

He also noted that none of the other animals were as pleasing as the cat.  He has finally realized the great truth that all other animals are, in point of fact, inferior.  And lastly, and perhaps most importantly for his own happiness, the poet has learned from the kitten that you should pursue the finer things in life despite sorrow.  Find joy in little things, like the delight of falling leaves and make your own sport with them.  Sorrow comes and sorrow goes.  You must choose to delight in the falling leaves while you can despite the rest of the world's sorrows. 

And so, Dear Reader, I bid you teach your human pet the joys in life and delight in the little things yourself.  As always, I am I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Exercising Your Human

Dear Cherished Readers,
Humans are inherently lazy creatures.  They sleep all night when every cat knows that nighttime is the best time for hunting.  Even on days with truly inclement weather we cats at least pay homage to the hunting ritual by honing our hunting skills.  We find random household objects to pounce on, throwing them up in the air and catching them expertly with teeth and claws.  We toss them across the room and practice stalking and leaping towards them.  And perhaps most importantly we practice sprints.  Up and down halls, and up furniture to practice maneuvers on difficult terrain all while our lazy human pets doze contentedly for hours.  We cats like to be ready for anything and shirking our nightly exercises is simply out of the question.  As a superior race it is our duty to stay in top mental and physical condition.

But I digress.  You, dear feline reader, already know our customs.  The point of this article is to instruct you in the best way to ensure your lazy human pets get enough exercise.  While we pride ourselves on staying in shape, humans do not share our compunctions.  If left to their own devices they will sit in front of a boring rectangle of some variety and stare for hours.  It is up to you to make sure your pet human gets the exercise he needs.  Start by getting your human's attention.  You can rub against his legs until he notices you or shout his name until he looks your way.  Secure your pet's attention by whatever method works best for you.  Once, they are looking at you run for the door.  Repeat this process until your human follows you outside. 

Remember that this is in the best interest of your human.  If the only way to get them outside for their exercise is to shout at the top of your lungs and demonstrate the might of your claws against the corner of a piece of furniture, then by all means, do so.

Do I have your attention now? - "Caught in the Act" photo via Flickr by Andreanna Moya Photography

Once you have your human outside they will probably be sulking because they do not enjoy exercising.  The most belligerent of human pets tend to find another perch to sit on while you try with false enthusiasm to show them how to exercise.  It is the opinion of this author that the best way to make your human move is to coax them with the hope of a nice warm cuddle.  Start by affectionately rubbing their legs and when they reach down to pet you move slightly in front of their hand.  With, tail up in encouragement lead them about the yard for their walk.  Always just inches away your pet will continue following you in the vain hope that they might catch you.  

Come along pet, that's it, follow the tail. - "Cat tail" photo via Flickr by Blhphotography

If they are particularly good reward them with a warm cuddly hug and a kitty kiss or two.  Perhaps they will remember that walks result in hugs and will be better behaved next time.  Training your human takes a lot of time, but a well trained human is a true joy.  Besides when have we cats ever given up on a good thing just because it was hard.  Such failures are beneath us.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

A Cat Always Knows How to Make an Entrance

While there are many perks to being a cat, too numerous for me to even count, perhaps my favorite is that we always know how to make an entrance.  It is important to capture the attention of everyone in the room and it is important to do so with style.

The best way to make an entrance is to be dramatic and also unexpected.  If you always do the same thing you will not maintain the proper respect of your place as head of the household.

As an example of a cat who has mastered the art of making an entrance I give you this gif to watch.

Courtesy of David Soto Jr. via theprimitiveyou.tumblr.com

Well done Fellow Feline.  Well done indeed.  This has all the hallmarks of a master.  It is completely unexpected by the human pet and almost astonishing to the feline stunt artist as he crashes throw the snow wall with decided velocity.  Yet, the cat, even while falling and sliding through the snow, sticks a beautiful landing and voila, the dramatic entry you've all been hoping for.

Take notes young kittens.  This stunt is not for the faint of heart and neither is any entrance truly worthy of a cat.

Pray do excuse me, it is time for a little nap on a perfectly fluffed blanket.  Good night, dear readers.  I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Welcome, Cherished Reader, to The Cat Knows Best

Dear Feline Friends,

I firmly believe, as every truly decent cat ought, that we are naturally superior to all other animals.  We are naturally, more brave, elegant, athletic and refined than our friends of other species.  As such it is often our duty to take care of and watch over lesser animals in need of our assistance.  I know that I am not alone amongst our civilized race in taking on a human pet.  And yet, from time to time, it can be difficult even for our sophisticated intelligence to understand how to deal with such lovable, yet inferior species.  I have had human pets for many years in many lives and I have started this project to offer advice to those cats who are new to owning and caring for human pets.

The first thing you should know about humans is that they like to think they own you.  This is a largely harmless delusion as long as you don't let them get too carried away.  Believing that they own you usually makes them rather desirous of pleasing you, which as you know is useful in pets.  It is very rarely required to use claws on your pet human.  If they should attempt to assert control over you a simple stare and refusal to do what they are asking usually reminds them who is in charge. 

Human pets can be very demanding but they are also loyal and well trained ones are obedient and often very amusing.  This column will contain anecdotes and advice on owning humans. This author, has found them to be very rewarding pets indeed.  To preserve my anonymity, and allow me plausible deniability should my pets catch me online, I shall simply be called Miss Kitty.  Considering that I am a very wise and kind-hearted cat I will also share tidbits of wisdom about life with you.  It would be selfish of me to keep all my wisdom and refinements to myself.  So, I will share profound truths about life and pet owning for the betterment of cats everywhere.  I am at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

Best of luck to you as you journey through life with your human pets.

On the internet they only know you're a cat if you get caught.
- photo by Madder Hatter

xx

Miss Kitty