My Human Must be Cold

Dear Reader,

This author has come to the conclusion that humans must be cold all the time.  Why else would they invent a laptop?  They have plenty of other rectangles to stare at.  I have concluded it's only interesting feature is that it provides warmth.  I suppose it also helps that it can be placed on the lap.

"But wait," I hear you cry "warming human laps is one of our jobs as a cat!"

Yes, fellow feline friend, our place is being threatened by the portable rectangle known as a laptop.  But fret not, clever kitties.  We can overcome this threat.  Just the other day I came in for my customary nap on my human and I discovered my human in her usual place.  Everything seemed fine as I approached her ready to nap on her legs as is our custom.  Suddenly, I saw it, the offending laptop, perched across her legs.

Me in my rightful place - photo by Madder Hatter

Now, being a generous master I do not begrudge her the laptop as a lap warmer when I am otherwise engaged.  However, I could not tolerate the laptop taking my place during my customary time for napping upon her legs.  Now, I prefer to nap on her knees and I could have shared her lap with the rectangle.  But cats do not share.  Not to mention that it could have set a dangerous precedent.

So, I did what any self-respecting cat would do and I promptly sat on top of the keyboard of the offending lap rectangle to express my displeasure that she should place it on her lap and be more interested in it than me, her owner.  She moved me and the laptop and set me on her lap.  All seemed well for a few seconds.  But she is a clever pet and had dangerous ideas.

She scooted lower so that she could lie on her pillows with me stretched out on her legs and her laptop suddenly reappeared on her stomach.  Well, this was unacceptable.  I, as a cat, cannot share my human with anything and especially not a rectangle, however warm it may be.  So I got up and stared at her over the rim of the screen until she realized my displeasure.

Remove this offensive rectangle from my sight at once! -
photo by Madder Hatter

Then she set the laptop aside again and I stretched out over as much of her legs and stomach as possible.  Normally I like sleeping on her knees for unique draping opportunities and also because I am bothered less by her breathing.  I face her toes because I like to pounce on them if they wiggle temptingly beneath blankets and I like to always be ready.  But drastic times call for drastic measures and I needed to remind her she was all mine and not to be shared.  So, I faced her with a meaningful stare and only relented and closed my eyes when she had settled in with a book.

Don't you even think about bringing the laptop back. -
photo by Madder Hatter

Books are excellent hobbies for pets.  Books entertain but never create noise or share lap space that ought to be a cat's by right.  Books keep humans still for hours and are therefore perfect for naptime.  My advice is that you should encourage book reading in your pets as far as their nature allows it.  And you can continue to heat their laps while they read in companionable and restful silence.

I hope you found this advice about defeating the threat of the heating rectangle useful.  Now, go forth! Warm laps, take naps and conquer.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Gentle Reminders that Cats are in Charge

Every so often your human may come to the erroneous conclusion that they are in control of anything.  But more to the point they occasionally believe they can control you.  It could be a simple lapse in judgement.

Your pet may believe they have the right to dictate your sleeping hours and wake you when they choose.  They may believe they have the right to serve you different food.  A good sniff of the offending new food and a gentle refusal to eat it will cure them of that thought.

Or your human pet may think that they have the right to scratch your cheeks whenever they desire.  In such cases a gentle reminder that you may only be petted when you decide to is probably best.  No claws are required.  Remember you are trying to be gentle.  But do remain firm.

Here is an excellent example of the third scenario and the appropriate response to it.

Down peasant.  I have not given you leave to pet me.

This gif is courtesy of BuzzFeed Animals.

This is how you remind your pet who is in charge.

Now, I'll you'll excuse me there is a basket of clean laundry that requires my attention.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty