The Bathing Ritual - Are Humans Really Clean?

"Cleaning" photo via Flickr by W.Ho's Photo?

Dear Readers,

We all know that cats are inherently clean, unlike certain unmentionable creatures that are sometimes called man's best friend.  But the real question is whether humans and their bathing habits are truly above reproach in the cleanliness area. 

So, as a naturally suspicious cat I like to supervise my human's bathing habits to ensure that she does in fact clean and make sure nothing attacks her when she is in the shower, you know, spiders, dogs, that sort of thing.  But I don't like to just barge in at her heels like a slobbering dog would do.  I like to be invited.  So I run to the door and then walk away til she closes it.  Then I politely ask to be invited in.  She sighs and asks "Well, do you want in or not?" And then I come in at a sedate pace like the gentile lady that I am.

"Just a Little Lick" photo by Madder Hatter

She bathes, with loads of water, frankly a barbaric custom if you ask me.  One of these days she will catch a cold.  While she douses herself with water I wait impatiently on the rugs til she finishes.  If I fear she has been in the water too long for her own good I start shouting at her to get out.  Then I encourage her to dry herself quickly by running to and from the door.  She thinks I want out and says she cannot open the door because she is not dressed.  Really I'm just concerned about her safety.  It's not healthy to stay wet all over for such lengths of time.  I'm just trying to speed things up for her own good.

I also usually give her a few licks on her legs and feet to make sure at least a small part of her has been properly cleaned not just sprinkled with water.  She squirms about when I do this.  Truly she is worse than a kitten.

But in the end we all end up toasty warm with a fuzzy blanket for the evening so I suppose I can overlook my pet's deplorable grasp of proper hygiene.  But if you have any suggestions for how to convince a human to stop watering herself please do let me know.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

My Poor Cat Door

Dear Readers,
I am almost afraid to write this to you because of how undignified it is.  I do not wish to shock your delicate ears or curl your elegant whiskers.  But I feel that I must share this shocking news with someone.

"Shadow Barking Through the Cat Door" - photo by Madder Hatter

My cat door has been violated.

By a dog!!!

It seems that the two blockheads discussed in my last post, (you can read it here), have stooped to new levels of disgrace.  They have sullied my beautiful and personal door to the outside world with their hideous muzzles.  Well, I shouldn't say they, exactly.  I've only caught one of them in this disgraceful pose, but I have no doubt the other has no scruples and would disgrace me in the same way if he had the chance.  The larger of the two blockheads throws himself at the floor and tries to squish as much of his gargantuan face through the cat door as possible.  He seems to view it as his personal window for barking at those who approach the kitchen door.

He SLOBBERS on MY threshold.  My personal door.  Ruined!!!  The horror of it!  The indignity of it!  You can imagine my horror when I saw this heinous performance.  He jowls bestowing liberal slobberous lubricants to my small doorframe.  The cat flap resting on the tip of his nose and leaping violently with every undignified and monstrous bark.  His eyes barely fitting into the frame peering out as though there was nothing more natural in the world than a giant hulking ogre of a beast attempting to squish his 93 pound body through a door meant for my slim and elegant form.  Are my sensibilities to be offended in every possible way!?!   I ask you, is there no end to their heinous behaviors?

"Cat Door or Dog Window?" - photo by Madder Hatter

I nearly fainted with the shock of such a hideous sight.  I do not blame you if you feel a faintness coming on either.  I wish I could tell you that I was joking, though I must say it would be a joke in very poor taste.  But alas, I cannot.  It is all too true.  These blockheads, these ogres, these Dogs must be taught their place and I can assure you that it is not with their heads protruding through MY door.  I must do something to reclaim it.

"The End of Order" - photo by Madder Hatter

Let this be a lesson to you.  Inviting dogs into your home for whatever reason only leads to strife and an appalling lack in cleanliness and order.  I know they are inferior creatures but I have to admit to having very uncharitable dreams about their sudden and convenient demise.  I have a few plots in mind for reclaiming my door; unfortunately they do not involve untimely departure from this world as it would only upset my human.  I do love her so.  But something must be done to curb the wicked ways of the dogs.  I am still pondering the best method of dealing with them and I welcome any suggestions from those felines more versed in dealing with malodorous and hideous beasts.


As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty

Invective Against Dogs

Dear and most cherished Readers,

I have a confession to make.  I am excessively fond of my three human pets and in particular my girl.  Therefore, I have allowed them to bring in not one, but two pets of their own.  My girl has been nervous of late, ever since the burglary of our home.  So, I allowed her to search for a dog to enable her to sleep more peacefully at night.  She came home with two, and I turned into a giant softy and allowed her to keep them.  Both.

I have to admit, it's sort of nice having giant blockhead dogs around to act as bouncers for our yard.  I no longer have to fight off the neighbors cat who keeps trying to take parts of my territory, or worry about the coyotes that live up the hill.  And to be fair, they do understand the importance of naps.  This does recommend them as not being entirely without virtue. 

And yet, here I am writing invectives to you against the very dogs I allowed to enter my home.  I may admit that they have their uses, but I certainly don't enjoy many of their antics.  Yes, yes, they keep out the coyotes.  But there are two of them and they are so very dull and tedious at times.

Truly, is there anything more disgusting than a dog?  They are excitable in the extreme.  Today I watched as they worked themselves into a frenzy because one of my human pets came into the room holding a pair of socks.  One can only assume that this signaled to the hideously stupid creatures that a walk was imminent.  Whatever tiny shred of dignity it is that dogs may retain on other occasions was lost instantly upon sighting the socks.  It is embarrassing to have such animals around at times.  As pets for my pets, or as I like to view them, my employees, it is embarrassing that they should have so little intelligence and dignity about them.

I know that as cats we are excessively attentive to our dignity.  Yet, one ought to be embarrassed for being so unabashedly excited about even the possibility of a walk.  Clearly, this is spoken from one with very little experience with dogs.  It seems they are barely able to contain themselves long enough to have the leashes put on.  And that is another thing.  I know that they are the pets of my pets, but to submit to being tied to a string.... terrible.  Dogs, however, seem entirely ignorant of their constant humiliation.

I suppose I ought not complain since I find them useful in some respects.  But could they not behave with just the smallest bit of dignity?  I know grace and elegance is beyond the mastery of a dog.  But could they not at least bathe themselves on occasion?  Or try not to drool all over themselves after a drink because they forget to close their mouths?  They eat anything without thought and sometimes without even a pretense at chewing.  They roll in the dirt, yes it's vile and also oddly interesting to watch from above.  And they bark at everything that moves and anyone who speaks.  Truly, dogs are the worst.  It's a miracle I have had the patience to deal with them at all.

Sigh, the things we do for love.  Never say I didn't care for my human.  Until then, I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

P.S.  If you think of a better way of protecting my human from her fears of intruders I will listen with bated breath and quivering whiskers.