The Bathing Ritual - Are Humans Really Clean?

"Cleaning" photo via Flickr by W.Ho's Photo?

Dear Readers,

We all know that cats are inherently clean, unlike certain unmentionable creatures that are sometimes called man's best friend.  But the real question is whether humans and their bathing habits are truly above reproach in the cleanliness area. 

So, as a naturally suspicious cat I like to supervise my human's bathing habits to ensure that she does in fact clean and make sure nothing attacks her when she is in the shower, you know, spiders, dogs, that sort of thing.  But I don't like to just barge in at her heels like a slobbering dog would do.  I like to be invited.  So I run to the door and then walk away til she closes it.  Then I politely ask to be invited in.  She sighs and asks "Well, do you want in or not?" And then I come in at a sedate pace like the gentile lady that I am.

"Just a Little Lick" photo by Madder Hatter

She bathes, with loads of water, frankly a barbaric custom if you ask me.  One of these days she will catch a cold.  While she douses herself with water I wait impatiently on the rugs til she finishes.  If I fear she has been in the water too long for her own good I start shouting at her to get out.  Then I encourage her to dry herself quickly by running to and from the door.  She thinks I want out and says she cannot open the door because she is not dressed.  Really I'm just concerned about her safety.  It's not healthy to stay wet all over for such lengths of time.  I'm just trying to speed things up for her own good.

I also usually give her a few licks on her legs and feet to make sure at least a small part of her has been properly cleaned not just sprinkled with water.  She squirms about when I do this.  Truly she is worse than a kitten.

But in the end we all end up toasty warm with a fuzzy blanket for the evening so I suppose I can overlook my pet's deplorable grasp of proper hygiene.  But if you have any suggestions for how to convince a human to stop watering herself please do let me know.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Why do humans wear Glasses?

Dear Gentle Readers,

Today I have a bit of an observation to make about the way that humans wear glasses.  It has occurred to me that they seem to have no purpose.  My pet human has recently acquired what she calls reading glasses.  I have watched her closely and I can now say with certainty that she spends equal amounts of time reading without them as she does with them.  The wearing of said reading glasses does not make her read faster when I want her to do other things.  Nor do they make her more comfortable and tend towards longer reading sessions when I want to sleep on her lap.

"Shouldn't you be wearing these?" photo via Flickr by Edward Peters

Reading glasses do not appear to increase energy levels or in any way change my human's activities.  They do not seem to have much point, if I am entirely honest.  They only thing I have found good about them is that they come in an interesting case.  I love to watch it open and close revealing it's hidden contents.

I do try to be supportive of my pet even when I find her behavior odd and incomprehensible.  So I decided to anoint the reading glass with my approval by giving them a hearty face rub.  So, I began at the corners and rubbed my face on said reading glasses one evening when she was settling in to read.  And the strange creature seemed annoyed with this.  She made some vaguely disgruntled noise and removed the reading glasses saying that I had put a streak across them and they needed to be cleaned.  Really for a creature that does not lick it's fur into a state of perfection, a human can be very prissy about cleanliness and appearance sometimes.  You'd think I'd bent her whiskers in half and made her look lopsided the way she was carrying on. 

I do not understand her fascination with and appreciation of reading glasses.  Maybe they are somehow related to that strange glowing rectangles all humans love to stare at.  Only, perhaps reading glasses are better because there is one rectangle for each eye?  Who knows.  I suppose the main thing is that she is happy, even if I cannot understand her.  Silly pet.

"My Cat Wears Glasses" photo via Flickr by Nick Perla

Really, how DO they see out of these things?

My dear readers if you do have any insight into why my pet loves reading glasses I'd love to hear it.  I am, as you may suspect, entirely curious about them and their fascinating little case.

I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Zen of the Wood Chip

Dear Feline Readers,
Today I want to talk to you about achieving the zen of the wood chip.  Now if you are like me you would have seen this title and immediately thought to yourself what nonsense!  Because truly, who would want to give up being like a cat to become more like a wood chip?  But then you would have clicked the link anyway because your curiosity would have gotten the better of you.  Curiosity, cats... you get the picture.  The point is, I understand your skepticism.  However, I am not proposing you become like a wood chip, simply that you master a state of mind that will enhance your life.

Yes, I am stating that embracing the zen of the wood chip will improve your naps.

You see, sometimes as cats we just enjoy sleeping on precarious piles.  Napping in an impossible location that could topple at any moment but doesn't leads to the ultimate joy in napping.  The trick is learning not to fall off.  Nobody likes to have their perfect nap interrupted by gravity and a tumbling pile of towels scattering you across the floor just as you were about to catch that catnip mouse.  If you like sleeping on topsy turvy towers of laundry or a slippery stack of letters I am offering you advice that will help you to achieve the perfect nap in perilous locations.

"Why not just sleep in a safer spot?" you ask.
"Get behind me dog." I say

Can you truly call yourself a cat if you have not achieved at least one impossible thing a day?  Be it defying the laws of gravity, or visibility, or even Murphy, if you are not achieving the impossible you are either a foolish human or a dog, but you are no cat.  (I think the fact that dogs are such failures makes people feel less terrible about their own inadequacies.  There can't be any other reason that dogs are called man's best friend.  But I digress).

Machiavelli wrote "Never was anything great achieved without danger."  He was right.  And cats do not settle for anything less than greatness.  So the next time you are sleeping on a leaning tower of letters or a human who likes to toss and turn at night, meditate on the way of the wood chip.  A wood chip is irrepressible.  A wood chip calmly and without the least hint of effort floats through the water as it swirls and plunges.  A wood chip sails serenely atop the water as if waterfalls are but momentary trouble.  Wood chips always come up smiling.  Bigger sticks and other objects collect water, gain weight, sink, get caught on snags and hidden obstacles.  A wood chip has none of these problems.  Wood chips always seem to float gaily along on top of the angry frothing water.  No matter how turbulent the water beneath, the wood chip always ends up circling lazily in an eddy or bobbing along merrily to its next destination.  Waterfalls are not worth mentioning, a slippery stack of papers is nothing.  

Meditate on the way of the wood chip.  If you achieve the zen of the wood chip you too can float happily and lazily atop the froth of fuzzy blankets.  A human may toss and turn underneath you and you will float effortlessly atop the blankets serenely impervious to their movements.  No matter which way they might turn if you nap with the zen of the wood chip you will roll easily with their agitated tossing and come up smiling, ever atop the agitated surface below.  

"dsc_0814" photo via Flickr by JB

 

Meditate on the zen of the wood chip.  Enter into a state of mind like a wood chip.  Simplicity.  A wood chip has no cares and you, as a cat, are on equal footing.  You are small.  You are graceful.  You cannot be waterlogged and sink.  You are weightless.  You always float.  You are free. 

A stack of towels or letters may slide out from underneath you as you nap.  But the zen of the wood chip will allow you to float effortlessly on top unaffected by the danger of gravity.  You will swirl lazily in a calm eddy while the letters cascade away beneath you.  You will only continue your easy journey downstream when you choose to do so, not when the waters around you move. 

Nap with abandon my friends for you are a wood chip floating freely along the dangerous waters of life with effortless grace.  You will achieve great things because danger does not intimidate you and because you carry yourself with dignity and beauty and an elegant simplicity.  That is to say, you will achieve greatness because you are a cat.

I wish you the best naps.  May you always achieve the zen of the wood chip.  

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Customs of cats: evil or not evil?

Cherished Readers,
I just read an article on Cracked.com that says that many of our logical behaviors as cats are actually quite evil.  The article, entitled "6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations" seems to think that doing all these things is rather rude.  But I argue that this is only because it is viewed in a backwards and very unenlightened manner.

Reason 4 of their article: "Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership"
It is not evil or rude of me to rub against your legs and claim you with my scent because I do own you.  You, human pet, are in fact my property.  That is the very notion of pet-owning.  It would be very inconsiderate of me to not claim you when I greeted you.  Wouldn't you feel slighted if I refused to say hello, told you I do not like or claim you, and then went and shared my love with a chair and claimed it instead?  I should think so at any rate.

Reason 6 of their article: "Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human"
It is also not evil of us to imitate the frequencies of human babies in our urgent calls to you.  We know you are not smart enough to handle our complex language so we adapt our calls to make them understandable to you.  I hardly find that evil.  I think that's rather considerate as a matter of fact.

Reason 5 of their article: "Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult"

Yes, we can be territorial, and yes we do sometimes use ancient territorial customs of waste markings to show who is in control of a certain area.  But don't take offense at this.  You are our pets, we aren't trying to offend you.  We are just stating facts and there is nothing evil about owning to the truth.  Don't label our actions as evil just because your pride gets hurt a little.  Silly humans.

Reason 1 of their article: "Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting"

And lastly, I'd like to say that it is not evil of us to try to teach you how to hunt.  If we try to get you to chase live lizards or bring you dead rodents it is because we worry about what will happen to you if we aren't around to provide for you.  We cats are concerned about our human pets' well being and hunting is so important to stability and happiness.  You can't be happy if you can't hunt and eat and live well.

Showing my human how to stalk things in tall grass. - photo by Madder Hatter

This author is amazed that such simple things could be so misunderstood.  Perhaps humans are more easily offended than I thought.  Perhaps I'm just lucky to have a good-natured human pet.  I hope this clears up a few things for the other human pets out there who may read this.

You must excuse me, there is a string tempting me from the corner that must be chased and killed.  I must bid you farewell for the time being.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

xx
Miss Kitty
  

My Human Must be Cold

Dear Reader,

This author has come to the conclusion that humans must be cold all the time.  Why else would they invent a laptop?  They have plenty of other rectangles to stare at.  I have concluded it's only interesting feature is that it provides warmth.  I suppose it also helps that it can be placed on the lap.

"But wait," I hear you cry "warming human laps is one of our jobs as a cat!"

Yes, fellow feline friend, our place is being threatened by the portable rectangle known as a laptop.  But fret not, clever kitties.  We can overcome this threat.  Just the other day I came in for my customary nap on my human and I discovered my human in her usual place.  Everything seemed fine as I approached her ready to nap on her legs as is our custom.  Suddenly, I saw it, the offending laptop, perched across her legs.

Me in my rightful place - photo by Madder Hatter

Now, being a generous master I do not begrudge her the laptop as a lap warmer when I am otherwise engaged.  However, I could not tolerate the laptop taking my place during my customary time for napping upon her legs.  Now, I prefer to nap on her knees and I could have shared her lap with the rectangle.  But cats do not share.  Not to mention that it could have set a dangerous precedent.

So, I did what any self-respecting cat would do and I promptly sat on top of the keyboard of the offending lap rectangle to express my displeasure that she should place it on her lap and be more interested in it than me, her owner.  She moved me and the laptop and set me on her lap.  All seemed well for a few seconds.  But she is a clever pet and had dangerous ideas.

She scooted lower so that she could lie on her pillows with me stretched out on her legs and her laptop suddenly reappeared on her stomach.  Well, this was unacceptable.  I, as a cat, cannot share my human with anything and especially not a rectangle, however warm it may be.  So I got up and stared at her over the rim of the screen until she realized my displeasure.

Remove this offensive rectangle from my sight at once! -
photo by Madder Hatter

Then she set the laptop aside again and I stretched out over as much of her legs and stomach as possible.  Normally I like sleeping on her knees for unique draping opportunities and also because I am bothered less by her breathing.  I face her toes because I like to pounce on them if they wiggle temptingly beneath blankets and I like to always be ready.  But drastic times call for drastic measures and I needed to remind her she was all mine and not to be shared.  So, I faced her with a meaningful stare and only relented and closed my eyes when she had settled in with a book.

Don't you even think about bringing the laptop back. -
photo by Madder Hatter

Books are excellent hobbies for pets.  Books entertain but never create noise or share lap space that ought to be a cat's by right.  Books keep humans still for hours and are therefore perfect for naptime.  My advice is that you should encourage book reading in your pets as far as their nature allows it.  And you can continue to heat their laps while they read in companionable and restful silence.

I hope you found this advice about defeating the threat of the heating rectangle useful.  Now, go forth! Warm laps, take naps and conquer.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Gentle Reminders that Cats are in Charge

Every so often your human may come to the erroneous conclusion that they are in control of anything.  But more to the point they occasionally believe they can control you.  It could be a simple lapse in judgement.

Your pet may believe they have the right to dictate your sleeping hours and wake you when they choose.  They may believe they have the right to serve you different food.  A good sniff of the offending new food and a gentle refusal to eat it will cure them of that thought.

Or your human pet may think that they have the right to scratch your cheeks whenever they desire.  In such cases a gentle reminder that you may only be petted when you decide to is probably best.  No claws are required.  Remember you are trying to be gentle.  But do remain firm.

Here is an excellent example of the third scenario and the appropriate response to it.

Down peasant.  I have not given you leave to pet me.

This gif is courtesy of BuzzFeed Animals.

This is how you remind your pet who is in charge.

Now, I'll you'll excuse me there is a basket of clean laundry that requires my attention.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty