Daily Advice: Clean Whiskers

Good morning dear Readers,

I just woke up from my day long catnap and I intend to go to sleep for the night now.  You, are interrupting my beauty sleep, so I don't really have anything to say to you.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I promised you a piece of advice.  So, you shall have one.  I am true to my word.  I am a cat after all.

The advice for today has to do with your whiskers.  Always ensure that your whiskers are clean.  Clean whiskers are the hallmark of feline excellence.  It is much easier to retain a superior attitude and proper levels of dignity if you have clean whiskers.  Indignation and disdain look preposterous on the face of a cat whose whiskers are not perfectly clean.  Oh, and if you've ever heard the phrase that humans like to use "cleanliness is next to Godliness", well, it just so happens that the origin of this phrase lies in our clean whiskers.  In some cultures we cats are revered, if not as gods, at least as inherently superior beings.  Our cleanliness was noted and our impeccable whiskers inspired this phrase and also better grooming habits in humans.  So, dear friends, clean your whiskers.  Flaunt your superiority.  Inspire greatness everywhere.

Oh and take a nap.  Naps are wonderful.  Period.  Speaking of which I'm off to bed.  I'm pleased to say that I've given you two pieces of advice today.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

"Bo" photo via Flickr by Melissa

xx
Miss Kitty
                 

The Art of Hiding in Plain Sight

Cherished Readers,

Any feline worthy of the name cat ought to have the ability to hide in plain sight.  Truly it is a simple concept but the execution of it is anything but.  And yet, we cats are a talented and worthy species.  You see, hiding in plain sight is an art form.  Naturally there are gifted members of any species that can do so, but none so well as a cat.  And true masters of this art form have worked for years to perfect it.  Sometimes ultimate perfection in this method occurs after only several lifetimes of the cat in question while gifted cats achieve perfection in their first life.  Regardless of how long it takes an individual cat to achieve mastery of the art, cats are naturally better at this because of our inherent arrogance.  Hiding in plain sight requires a certain arrogance.  A certain "you cannot see me because I do not wish you to see me" sort of approach to the moment.

"Cat? What Cat?" photo via Flickr by Trish Hamme

That is right, human readers of rare intellect and feline friends, the trick to hiding in the middle of exposed fields or being invisible while standing in the open is all in the attitude.  A cat can make itself less visible by sheer force of will just as it can make you feel it's gaze on your back when it wishes to be noticed.  A cat, in other words, is capable of hiding in plain sight because only a cat has the force of will and natural arrogance to do it right.

Humans are not so good at hiding in plain sight because they think too much about the consequences.  If you were to place a human in a situation where they needed to hide while plainly visible they would fail nearly every time.  This is because it is rare for a human to be capable of silencing thoughts of the dire consequences that could arise if they fail to hide in plain sight.  Cats on the other hand are possessed of marvelous, dare I say, even miraculous levels of self confidence.  A cat knows precisely what it is capable of achieving and doubt only entered our vocabulary when we began owning human pets.  No self-respecting cat would doubt it's ability to do anything especially a concept as simple as hiding by sheer force of will.

The dog cannot see me because I am hiding behind this ball of twine. - Photo by Madder Hatter

Likewise a cat is not preoccupied with thoughts of the terrible things that will happen to it when it has failed to hide in plain view.  This is because the natural arrogance of a cat leaves this idea as firmly impossible.  The rare cat who does fail, deals with the consequences quickly, rationally and effectively so that even a failed attempt to hide in plain sight does not appear foolish but merely one of many tactics for a bad situation.  A cat may freeze upon seeing a dog and will itself invisible.  If by some catastrophe the dog smells the cat or glances at just the right time and sees the cat, the cat immediately enacts plan B which could be running, climbing a tree, or facing down the dog with claws drawn.  More often than not the cat is successful and remains invisible by sheer force of will.  Because a cat does not entertain the notion of failing it succeeds and this leaves it free to remain where it is and prevent the unnecessary expenditure of energy that flying up the nearest tree or fence would require.

Arrogance and will.  That is all it requires.  A cat does not fail to be invisible in the open because it has full faith in its abilities and also the inferiority of whatever species it is hiding from.  A cat can shield itself from view by a single blade of grass with only the desire to not be seen and the arrogance that they can do so.  Over time reality can not be made different than it is, but in a single moment you can be invisible simply because you will it so with an arrogance that defies reality and wins.  Arrogance is generally seen as a negative quality amongst humans but this is only because they do not know what true superiority looks like.

"Cat Stalking" photo via Flickr by Dennis Carr

The majority of humans who are arrogant are obnoxious because they believe themselves to be superior when everyone else can plainly see that they are not.  Arrogance in cats just is because cats truly are superior.  You are not labeled as an arrogant ass of a human if you truly are the best at what you do.  If you are the gold medalist in archery nobody thinks you are arrogant for saying so.  The problem lies in the difference between your perception of yourself and reality.  But cats are firmly grounded in reality.  We are arrogant yes, but in the best way. 

So, that is the lesson for today.  Do not underestimate the power of the will and the power of the mind.  True belief in yourself and the will to see things through are more powerful than many humans think.  So, go forth, be arrogant, be stubborn, have will power and succeed, even in the impossible.

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Secret of Life

Dear Cherished Readers,

The secret to life is really quite simple.  It all comes down to one word.  One simple act.  One nap.  Yes, dear readers, the best thing in life is a good nap.  A bright ray of sunshine falling deliciously onto a fuzzy blanket.  A pile of clean laundry on top of a comfy chair giving you a tower for the perfect nap.  An open sock drawer just begging for your attention.  A quick nap in any of these locations or really anywhere warm and cozy is the answer.

Leave me in peace to nap - photo by Madder Hatter

You see, a catnap is the secret to life.  There is nothing better.  Nothing makes you happier or more content with life.  Eating is sustenance.  Chasing string, getting your chin stroked by an affectionate human, and hunting are temporary joys.  But a catnap, however long or short, just makes life better.  You wake up refreshed.  Stretching after a nap is the best feeling in the world.  Your eyes are brighter, your whiskers are renewed, and maybe it's just me, but I swear your fur is softer.

Yes, a cat nap is the secret to living life well.  There are no cares in the beautiful world of cat naps and the world is just a better place when you wake up from one. 

Farewell, dear readers, I'm going to take my own advice and curl up on a pile of fuzzy blankets for a nice nap.  I'll see you when I wake up all refreshed and happy with life.

As ever, I'm at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Dear Kitten Letter about Dogs

Dear and cherished Readers,
This cat knows what he is talking about. In his first letter, which you can find here, he gives general life advice to young kittens.  This letter however expresses profound truths about life with dogs.  Suffering through the presence of not one, but two, horribly large and stupid dogs I have to say his thoughts on them are accurate.  Including his advice on allowing them to eat your food.  Take notes fellow felines.



Also, he is completely right about their marketing ploy.  We should really find out how they came up with that and recruit the being responsible for it to our side.  Just a thought.

Oh, and remember that it may be good for your pet to have these pets to keep them company, but don't ever let your human come near you with a string/leash.  Some indignities are just not to be contemplated. 

I have brought you these letters because I hope they will be of use to you.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Dear Kitten Letter

Dear Feline and Human Readers,
This letter "Dear Kitten" is from a wise older cat to a young kitten.  In it the sage advice of the older cat is given freely to young kittens everywhere.  He speaks many truths about life and especially life with humans.  He also talks about the ambrosia that comes in little tin cans that we love. 



If you do figure out how to open the little cans filled with wet food, please do let me know.  I hope the other pieces of advice in this letter are of use to you.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
 

Staring at Humans

Dear Readers,
Staring is an ancient and time-honoured art amongst the noble feline race.  Cats practice many years to hone their staring skills and perfect the exact impression they are trying to make on you.  A stare can communicate so much and often can induce action in even the laziest and most stupid of humans.  Staring is a cat's most versatile tool and communicating device.

A great example of an intense stare...  "A cat in the backyard" photo via Flickr by Henrik B. Aasnes

Humans are far too dense to understand our rich and varied language and the nuances of our feelings.  If you want to communicate with a human you will need to use short very simple words and very clear looks.  Often a stare is more effective than even the most basic of words.

For instance, even a human can tell that this is an angry look.  They may not understand why but they will know that you are not happy. 

"Angry Blue Eyed Grey Cat" photo via Flickr by Felinest

A clever human may figure out the reason for the look if you give him a bit of time to digest his thoughts.  But not all meet with success.

The next look is obvious to any human who has spent time with cats.  They will, even if it's a fraction slow, recognize the excitement and widened eyes and know you are about to pounce.

"f/1.0" photo via Flickr by Assi Koskinen

Now a human may not be clever enough to understand the nuance of the next look.  But they will be able to figure out from the half covered face and the slinking cat body behind the wall that you are either stalking something or playing with them.  They'll know it's a sneaky face.

"Slightly Suspicious" photo via Flickr by Abri le Roux

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is the face of a cat who does not wish to be disturbed.  This face says "How dare you speak to me, human?  I was attempting to nap!"  If the human continues approaching or speaking to you once you've given them this look then I fear your human is beyond help.  If, however, they retreat knowingly after receiving this stare, you may have a rare and intelligent human pet.

"Reflec(a)t II" photo via Flickr by Ahmed Mahin Fayaz

While you and I, gentle feline reader, know exactly what this next look says, most humans will not be able to decipher the meaning of this stare.  They may wonder if you want something.  They may think you wish to be petted.  They may ask if you want food.  Your human pet may lean in closer and ask you stupidly, "What?"  Or your human might even think that you are telling them you love them.  Silly humans.  The truth is, this is not direct enough a stare to inform them of your desires.  I can tell from the exact lift of the brows, the precision of the direct gaze, and the perfectly positioned whiskers that this cat wishes to go outside.  But she will probably need to be more blunt with humans.  Only very smart human pets will know what you mean with this stare, unless of course you stare at them this way from the door and also yell "NOW!" at them. 

"My Auburn Poser" photo via Flickr by L. Whittaker

But this is only a small range of the stares that a cat can do.  Any number of stares that express boredom or annoyance can be immensely satisfying and communicative.  There is the

"Oh, what now?"

"If You Must" photo via Flickr by Michael Coghlan

 Then there is the "Your games bore me"

"Untitled" photo via Flickr by Erin Murphy

But perhaps the best of all the different types of stares that a cat can give to a human are the ones of disdain.  Disdainful stares are by far the must fun and also the easiest for any human to interpret.  Even a dull human who has never interacted with a cat before will realize that he is being judged when you give him a properly disdainful stare.

"How dare you interrupt my important cat business."

"Pure disdain" photo via Flickr by B.

Disdain is so useful.

"No foolish human, I do not wish to 'go outside'" photo via Flickr by Hilary Perkins

A truly excellent disdainful stare can get a human to pause and rethink whatever they were doing.  No human likes to be judged and a well placed disdainful stare can make them think, which is a huge leap forward for the poor things.

Mastering the art of staring at humans may be a time consuming process but it is well worth the effort.  The perfect stare can get your human to not only understand you, but also obey you with greater efficiency.  Staring at humans is the best way to communicate with them without attempting to teach them our language or having to gesture wildly to be understood.

Try it some time and you may be surprised at the new ease of communication between you and your human pet.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Customs of cats: evil or not evil?

Cherished Readers,
I just read an article on Cracked.com that says that many of our logical behaviors as cats are actually quite evil.  The article, entitled "6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations" seems to think that doing all these things is rather rude.  But I argue that this is only because it is viewed in a backwards and very unenlightened manner.

Reason 4 of their article: "Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership"
It is not evil or rude of me to rub against your legs and claim you with my scent because I do own you.  You, human pet, are in fact my property.  That is the very notion of pet-owning.  It would be very inconsiderate of me to not claim you when I greeted you.  Wouldn't you feel slighted if I refused to say hello, told you I do not like or claim you, and then went and shared my love with a chair and claimed it instead?  I should think so at any rate.

Reason 6 of their article: "Meowing to Imitate a Baby Human"
It is also not evil of us to imitate the frequencies of human babies in our urgent calls to you.  We know you are not smart enough to handle our complex language so we adapt our calls to make them understandable to you.  I hardly find that evil.  I think that's rather considerate as a matter of fact.

Reason 5 of their article: "Leaving Their Poop Uncovered As An Insult"

Yes, we can be territorial, and yes we do sometimes use ancient territorial customs of waste markings to show who is in control of a certain area.  But don't take offense at this.  You are our pets, we aren't trying to offend you.  We are just stating facts and there is nothing evil about owning to the truth.  Don't label our actions as evil just because your pride gets hurt a little.  Silly humans.

Reason 1 of their article: "Bringing Home Dead Animals to Show You Suck at Hunting"

And lastly, I'd like to say that it is not evil of us to try to teach you how to hunt.  If we try to get you to chase live lizards or bring you dead rodents it is because we worry about what will happen to you if we aren't around to provide for you.  We cats are concerned about our human pets' well being and hunting is so important to stability and happiness.  You can't be happy if you can't hunt and eat and live well.

Showing my human how to stalk things in tall grass. - photo by Madder Hatter

This author is amazed that such simple things could be so misunderstood.  Perhaps humans are more easily offended than I thought.  Perhaps I'm just lucky to have a good-natured human pet.  I hope this clears up a few things for the other human pets out there who may read this.

You must excuse me, there is a string tempting me from the corner that must be chased and killed.  I must bid you farewell for the time being.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

xx
Miss Kitty