The Bathing Ritual - Are Humans Really Clean?

"Cleaning" photo via Flickr by W.Ho's Photo?

Dear Readers,

We all know that cats are inherently clean, unlike certain unmentionable creatures that are sometimes called man's best friend.  But the real question is whether humans and their bathing habits are truly above reproach in the cleanliness area. 

So, as a naturally suspicious cat I like to supervise my human's bathing habits to ensure that she does in fact clean and make sure nothing attacks her when she is in the shower, you know, spiders, dogs, that sort of thing.  But I don't like to just barge in at her heels like a slobbering dog would do.  I like to be invited.  So I run to the door and then walk away til she closes it.  Then I politely ask to be invited in.  She sighs and asks "Well, do you want in or not?" And then I come in at a sedate pace like the gentile lady that I am.

"Just a Little Lick" photo by Madder Hatter

She bathes, with loads of water, frankly a barbaric custom if you ask me.  One of these days she will catch a cold.  While she douses herself with water I wait impatiently on the rugs til she finishes.  If I fear she has been in the water too long for her own good I start shouting at her to get out.  Then I encourage her to dry herself quickly by running to and from the door.  She thinks I want out and says she cannot open the door because she is not dressed.  Really I'm just concerned about her safety.  It's not healthy to stay wet all over for such lengths of time.  I'm just trying to speed things up for her own good.

I also usually give her a few licks on her legs and feet to make sure at least a small part of her has been properly cleaned not just sprinkled with water.  She squirms about when I do this.  Truly she is worse than a kitten.

But in the end we all end up toasty warm with a fuzzy blanket for the evening so I suppose I can overlook my pet's deplorable grasp of proper hygiene.  But if you have any suggestions for how to convince a human to stop watering herself please do let me know.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Perfect Day

Dear Readers,
I do not think it is very becoming in cats to exhibit false modesty.  So, I shall get straight to the point and announce with pleasure that I have come up with the recipe for the perfect day.  Here is how my day went and consequently here is my recipe for the perfect day.

1. Get a good night's sleep
I awoke from a nice long sleep through most of the night (after I completed my hunting exercises of forty sprints up and down the hall in the dark) and stretched luxuriously in my nest of exactly three different types of fuzzy blankets. 

2. Stretch
After arising from my perfectly shaped nest I stretched all my limbs and arched my back for the perfect "I've just stretched and the world is my bed of catnip feeling".

3. Nap
I walked three paces from the bottom of the bed where my nest is to my human's legs and stretched out on top of her for a quick morning nap.  This was only slightly interrupted when she wished to roll over in her sleep but I readjusted and we continued napping.

"Clawy stretch" photo via Flickr by Martin Cathrae

4.  Stretch before you Dine
I awoke from my quick catnap and stretched deeply before proceeding to my breakfast. 

5. Obtain affection
I made sure at least two of my three human pets were up and doing their chores and allowed them to pet me in appreciation of my beauty and perfection.

6. Nap
I napped on top of my pet's legs again til it was time for her to get up and then I demanded she start exercising for her health.

7. Tour the gardens
My estate is of a goodly size and I need to ensure it's proper maintenance and the smooth efficiency of it's running.  I always check the perimeter for coyotes in case I need to call the giant blockhead dogs to act as guards again.

8. Catnap
Now that I've inspected everything and made sure my pets and employees know of any deficiencies it is time for a nice long catnap.  Usually I take this in the living room atop a tower at the summit of which is a blanket nest.  It is perfect for being at the center of activity should I be needed, observing things with a lazy eye when I'm half asleep and napping in the company of my beloved pets.

9. Stretch before lunch
Stretch before a quick dash up the stairs to keep nimble then dine upstairs away from the dogs and their hideous way of devouring food and leaving crumbs everywhere.  They ought to have more pride in their manners.

"Stretching his claws" photo via Flickr by Grendelkhan

10.  Afternoon stroll
I inspected the grounds, chased lizards etc.

11.  Catnap
On the clean towels

13. Evening jaunt outside
My favorite time outside is just after the sun sets when the air has cooled off and the frogs start singing in the creek below. 

14. Dine
I always make sure one of my pets touches my food to ensure it's edibility.  Then I allow them to go while I eat in the casual and relaxing atmosphere of my private dining room.  

15. Catnap
At this hour I sleep on the tower where I can watch with one sleepy eye while the humans finish up their nightly activities.

16. Exercise
Practice hunting

17 Go to bed.
I settle in for the night in my nest, or if convenient on my human's legs.

18 Wake up refreshed and start all over

I don't mind saying that the day really was a delectable example of perfection.  Give it a try gentle feline readers and see if this recipe for a perfect day suits you equally as well.  If you will excuse me it is now time for my fifth nap of the day.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
           

The Dear Kitten Letter about Dogs

Dear and cherished Readers,
This cat knows what he is talking about. In his first letter, which you can find here, he gives general life advice to young kittens.  This letter however expresses profound truths about life with dogs.  Suffering through the presence of not one, but two, horribly large and stupid dogs I have to say his thoughts on them are accurate.  Including his advice on allowing them to eat your food.  Take notes fellow felines.



Also, he is completely right about their marketing ploy.  We should really find out how they came up with that and recruit the being responsible for it to our side.  Just a thought.

Oh, and remember that it may be good for your pet to have these pets to keep them company, but don't ever let your human come near you with a string/leash.  Some indignities are just not to be contemplated. 

I have brought you these letters because I hope they will be of use to you.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Dear Kitten Letter

Dear Feline and Human Readers,
This letter "Dear Kitten" is from a wise older cat to a young kitten.  In it the sage advice of the older cat is given freely to young kittens everywhere.  He speaks many truths about life and especially life with humans.  He also talks about the ambrosia that comes in little tin cans that we love. 



If you do figure out how to open the little cans filled with wet food, please do let me know.  I hope the other pieces of advice in this letter are of use to you.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
 

Welcome, Cherished Reader, to The Cat Knows Best

Dear Feline Friends,

I firmly believe, as every truly decent cat ought, that we are naturally superior to all other animals.  We are naturally, more brave, elegant, athletic and refined than our friends of other species.  As such it is often our duty to take care of and watch over lesser animals in need of our assistance.  I know that I am not alone amongst our civilized race in taking on a human pet.  And yet, from time to time, it can be difficult even for our sophisticated intelligence to understand how to deal with such lovable, yet inferior species.  I have had human pets for many years in many lives and I have started this project to offer advice to those cats who are new to owning and caring for human pets.

The first thing you should know about humans is that they like to think they own you.  This is a largely harmless delusion as long as you don't let them get too carried away.  Believing that they own you usually makes them rather desirous of pleasing you, which as you know is useful in pets.  It is very rarely required to use claws on your pet human.  If they should attempt to assert control over you a simple stare and refusal to do what they are asking usually reminds them who is in charge. 

Human pets can be very demanding but they are also loyal and well trained ones are obedient and often very amusing.  This column will contain anecdotes and advice on owning humans. This author, has found them to be very rewarding pets indeed.  To preserve my anonymity, and allow me plausible deniability should my pets catch me online, I shall simply be called Miss Kitty.  Considering that I am a very wise and kind-hearted cat I will also share tidbits of wisdom about life with you.  It would be selfish of me to keep all my wisdom and refinements to myself.  So, I will share profound truths about life and pet owning for the betterment of cats everywhere.  I am at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

Best of luck to you as you journey through life with your human pets.

On the internet they only know you're a cat if you get caught.
- photo by Madder Hatter

xx

Miss Kitty