The Bathing Ritual - Are Humans Really Clean?

"Cleaning" photo via Flickr by W.Ho's Photo?

Dear Readers,

We all know that cats are inherently clean, unlike certain unmentionable creatures that are sometimes called man's best friend.  But the real question is whether humans and their bathing habits are truly above reproach in the cleanliness area. 

So, as a naturally suspicious cat I like to supervise my human's bathing habits to ensure that she does in fact clean and make sure nothing attacks her when she is in the shower, you know, spiders, dogs, that sort of thing.  But I don't like to just barge in at her heels like a slobbering dog would do.  I like to be invited.  So I run to the door and then walk away til she closes it.  Then I politely ask to be invited in.  She sighs and asks "Well, do you want in or not?" And then I come in at a sedate pace like the gentile lady that I am.

"Just a Little Lick" photo by Madder Hatter

She bathes, with loads of water, frankly a barbaric custom if you ask me.  One of these days she will catch a cold.  While she douses herself with water I wait impatiently on the rugs til she finishes.  If I fear she has been in the water too long for her own good I start shouting at her to get out.  Then I encourage her to dry herself quickly by running to and from the door.  She thinks I want out and says she cannot open the door because she is not dressed.  Really I'm just concerned about her safety.  It's not healthy to stay wet all over for such lengths of time.  I'm just trying to speed things up for her own good.

I also usually give her a few licks on her legs and feet to make sure at least a small part of her has been properly cleaned not just sprinkled with water.  She squirms about when I do this.  Truly she is worse than a kitten.

But in the end we all end up toasty warm with a fuzzy blanket for the evening so I suppose I can overlook my pet's deplorable grasp of proper hygiene.  But if you have any suggestions for how to convince a human to stop watering herself please do let me know.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Zen of the Wood Chip

Dear Feline Readers,
Today I want to talk to you about achieving the zen of the wood chip.  Now if you are like me you would have seen this title and immediately thought to yourself what nonsense!  Because truly, who would want to give up being like a cat to become more like a wood chip?  But then you would have clicked the link anyway because your curiosity would have gotten the better of you.  Curiosity, cats... you get the picture.  The point is, I understand your skepticism.  However, I am not proposing you become like a wood chip, simply that you master a state of mind that will enhance your life.

Yes, I am stating that embracing the zen of the wood chip will improve your naps.

You see, sometimes as cats we just enjoy sleeping on precarious piles.  Napping in an impossible location that could topple at any moment but doesn't leads to the ultimate joy in napping.  The trick is learning not to fall off.  Nobody likes to have their perfect nap interrupted by gravity and a tumbling pile of towels scattering you across the floor just as you were about to catch that catnip mouse.  If you like sleeping on topsy turvy towers of laundry or a slippery stack of letters I am offering you advice that will help you to achieve the perfect nap in perilous locations.

"Why not just sleep in a safer spot?" you ask.
"Get behind me dog." I say

Can you truly call yourself a cat if you have not achieved at least one impossible thing a day?  Be it defying the laws of gravity, or visibility, or even Murphy, if you are not achieving the impossible you are either a foolish human or a dog, but you are no cat.  (I think the fact that dogs are such failures makes people feel less terrible about their own inadequacies.  There can't be any other reason that dogs are called man's best friend.  But I digress).

Machiavelli wrote "Never was anything great achieved without danger."  He was right.  And cats do not settle for anything less than greatness.  So the next time you are sleeping on a leaning tower of letters or a human who likes to toss and turn at night, meditate on the way of the wood chip.  A wood chip is irrepressible.  A wood chip calmly and without the least hint of effort floats through the water as it swirls and plunges.  A wood chip sails serenely atop the water as if waterfalls are but momentary trouble.  Wood chips always come up smiling.  Bigger sticks and other objects collect water, gain weight, sink, get caught on snags and hidden obstacles.  A wood chip has none of these problems.  Wood chips always seem to float gaily along on top of the angry frothing water.  No matter how turbulent the water beneath, the wood chip always ends up circling lazily in an eddy or bobbing along merrily to its next destination.  Waterfalls are not worth mentioning, a slippery stack of papers is nothing.  

Meditate on the way of the wood chip.  If you achieve the zen of the wood chip you too can float happily and lazily atop the froth of fuzzy blankets.  A human may toss and turn underneath you and you will float effortlessly atop the blankets serenely impervious to their movements.  No matter which way they might turn if you nap with the zen of the wood chip you will roll easily with their agitated tossing and come up smiling, ever atop the agitated surface below.  

"dsc_0814" photo via Flickr by JB

 

Meditate on the zen of the wood chip.  Enter into a state of mind like a wood chip.  Simplicity.  A wood chip has no cares and you, as a cat, are on equal footing.  You are small.  You are graceful.  You cannot be waterlogged and sink.  You are weightless.  You always float.  You are free. 

A stack of towels or letters may slide out from underneath you as you nap.  But the zen of the wood chip will allow you to float effortlessly on top unaffected by the danger of gravity.  You will swirl lazily in a calm eddy while the letters cascade away beneath you.  You will only continue your easy journey downstream when you choose to do so, not when the waters around you move. 

Nap with abandon my friends for you are a wood chip floating freely along the dangerous waters of life with effortless grace.  You will achieve great things because danger does not intimidate you and because you carry yourself with dignity and beauty and an elegant simplicity.  That is to say, you will achieve greatness because you are a cat.

I wish you the best naps.  May you always achieve the zen of the wood chip.  

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Perfect Day

Dear Readers,
I do not think it is very becoming in cats to exhibit false modesty.  So, I shall get straight to the point and announce with pleasure that I have come up with the recipe for the perfect day.  Here is how my day went and consequently here is my recipe for the perfect day.

1. Get a good night's sleep
I awoke from a nice long sleep through most of the night (after I completed my hunting exercises of forty sprints up and down the hall in the dark) and stretched luxuriously in my nest of exactly three different types of fuzzy blankets. 

2. Stretch
After arising from my perfectly shaped nest I stretched all my limbs and arched my back for the perfect "I've just stretched and the world is my bed of catnip feeling".

3. Nap
I walked three paces from the bottom of the bed where my nest is to my human's legs and stretched out on top of her for a quick morning nap.  This was only slightly interrupted when she wished to roll over in her sleep but I readjusted and we continued napping.

"Clawy stretch" photo via Flickr by Martin Cathrae

4.  Stretch before you Dine
I awoke from my quick catnap and stretched deeply before proceeding to my breakfast. 

5. Obtain affection
I made sure at least two of my three human pets were up and doing their chores and allowed them to pet me in appreciation of my beauty and perfection.

6. Nap
I napped on top of my pet's legs again til it was time for her to get up and then I demanded she start exercising for her health.

7. Tour the gardens
My estate is of a goodly size and I need to ensure it's proper maintenance and the smooth efficiency of it's running.  I always check the perimeter for coyotes in case I need to call the giant blockhead dogs to act as guards again.

8. Catnap
Now that I've inspected everything and made sure my pets and employees know of any deficiencies it is time for a nice long catnap.  Usually I take this in the living room atop a tower at the summit of which is a blanket nest.  It is perfect for being at the center of activity should I be needed, observing things with a lazy eye when I'm half asleep and napping in the company of my beloved pets.

9. Stretch before lunch
Stretch before a quick dash up the stairs to keep nimble then dine upstairs away from the dogs and their hideous way of devouring food and leaving crumbs everywhere.  They ought to have more pride in their manners.

"Stretching his claws" photo via Flickr by Grendelkhan

10.  Afternoon stroll
I inspected the grounds, chased lizards etc.

11.  Catnap
On the clean towels

13. Evening jaunt outside
My favorite time outside is just after the sun sets when the air has cooled off and the frogs start singing in the creek below. 

14. Dine
I always make sure one of my pets touches my food to ensure it's edibility.  Then I allow them to go while I eat in the casual and relaxing atmosphere of my private dining room.  

15. Catnap
At this hour I sleep on the tower where I can watch with one sleepy eye while the humans finish up their nightly activities.

16. Exercise
Practice hunting

17 Go to bed.
I settle in for the night in my nest, or if convenient on my human's legs.

18 Wake up refreshed and start all over

I don't mind saying that the day really was a delectable example of perfection.  Give it a try gentle feline readers and see if this recipe for a perfect day suits you equally as well.  If you will excuse me it is now time for my fifth nap of the day.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
           

My Poor Cat Door

Dear Readers,
I am almost afraid to write this to you because of how undignified it is.  I do not wish to shock your delicate ears or curl your elegant whiskers.  But I feel that I must share this shocking news with someone.

"Shadow Barking Through the Cat Door" - photo by Madder Hatter

My cat door has been violated.

By a dog!!!

It seems that the two blockheads discussed in my last post, (you can read it here), have stooped to new levels of disgrace.  They have sullied my beautiful and personal door to the outside world with their hideous muzzles.  Well, I shouldn't say they, exactly.  I've only caught one of them in this disgraceful pose, but I have no doubt the other has no scruples and would disgrace me in the same way if he had the chance.  The larger of the two blockheads throws himself at the floor and tries to squish as much of his gargantuan face through the cat door as possible.  He seems to view it as his personal window for barking at those who approach the kitchen door.

He SLOBBERS on MY threshold.  My personal door.  Ruined!!!  The horror of it!  The indignity of it!  You can imagine my horror when I saw this heinous performance.  He jowls bestowing liberal slobberous lubricants to my small doorframe.  The cat flap resting on the tip of his nose and leaping violently with every undignified and monstrous bark.  His eyes barely fitting into the frame peering out as though there was nothing more natural in the world than a giant hulking ogre of a beast attempting to squish his 93 pound body through a door meant for my slim and elegant form.  Are my sensibilities to be offended in every possible way!?!   I ask you, is there no end to their heinous behaviors?

"Cat Door or Dog Window?" - photo by Madder Hatter

I nearly fainted with the shock of such a hideous sight.  I do not blame you if you feel a faintness coming on either.  I wish I could tell you that I was joking, though I must say it would be a joke in very poor taste.  But alas, I cannot.  It is all too true.  These blockheads, these ogres, these Dogs must be taught their place and I can assure you that it is not with their heads protruding through MY door.  I must do something to reclaim it.

"The End of Order" - photo by Madder Hatter

Let this be a lesson to you.  Inviting dogs into your home for whatever reason only leads to strife and an appalling lack in cleanliness and order.  I know they are inferior creatures but I have to admit to having very uncharitable dreams about their sudden and convenient demise.  I have a few plots in mind for reclaiming my door; unfortunately they do not involve untimely departure from this world as it would only upset my human.  I do love her so.  But something must be done to curb the wicked ways of the dogs.  I am still pondering the best method of dealing with them and I welcome any suggestions from those felines more versed in dealing with malodorous and hideous beasts.


As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty

Invective Against Dogs

Dear and most cherished Readers,

I have a confession to make.  I am excessively fond of my three human pets and in particular my girl.  Therefore, I have allowed them to bring in not one, but two pets of their own.  My girl has been nervous of late, ever since the burglary of our home.  So, I allowed her to search for a dog to enable her to sleep more peacefully at night.  She came home with two, and I turned into a giant softy and allowed her to keep them.  Both.

I have to admit, it's sort of nice having giant blockhead dogs around to act as bouncers for our yard.  I no longer have to fight off the neighbors cat who keeps trying to take parts of my territory, or worry about the coyotes that live up the hill.  And to be fair, they do understand the importance of naps.  This does recommend them as not being entirely without virtue. 

And yet, here I am writing invectives to you against the very dogs I allowed to enter my home.  I may admit that they have their uses, but I certainly don't enjoy many of their antics.  Yes, yes, they keep out the coyotes.  But there are two of them and they are so very dull and tedious at times.

Truly, is there anything more disgusting than a dog?  They are excitable in the extreme.  Today I watched as they worked themselves into a frenzy because one of my human pets came into the room holding a pair of socks.  One can only assume that this signaled to the hideously stupid creatures that a walk was imminent.  Whatever tiny shred of dignity it is that dogs may retain on other occasions was lost instantly upon sighting the socks.  It is embarrassing to have such animals around at times.  As pets for my pets, or as I like to view them, my employees, it is embarrassing that they should have so little intelligence and dignity about them.

I know that as cats we are excessively attentive to our dignity.  Yet, one ought to be embarrassed for being so unabashedly excited about even the possibility of a walk.  Clearly, this is spoken from one with very little experience with dogs.  It seems they are barely able to contain themselves long enough to have the leashes put on.  And that is another thing.  I know that they are the pets of my pets, but to submit to being tied to a string.... terrible.  Dogs, however, seem entirely ignorant of their constant humiliation.

I suppose I ought not complain since I find them useful in some respects.  But could they not behave with just the smallest bit of dignity?  I know grace and elegance is beyond the mastery of a dog.  But could they not at least bathe themselves on occasion?  Or try not to drool all over themselves after a drink because they forget to close their mouths?  They eat anything without thought and sometimes without even a pretense at chewing.  They roll in the dirt, yes it's vile and also oddly interesting to watch from above.  And they bark at everything that moves and anyone who speaks.  Truly, dogs are the worst.  It's a miracle I have had the patience to deal with them at all.

Sigh, the things we do for love.  Never say I didn't care for my human.  Until then, I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

P.S.  If you think of a better way of protecting my human from her fears of intruders I will listen with bated breath and quivering whiskers.

The Dear Kitten Letter about Dogs

Dear and cherished Readers,
This cat knows what he is talking about. In his first letter, which you can find here, he gives general life advice to young kittens.  This letter however expresses profound truths about life with dogs.  Suffering through the presence of not one, but two, horribly large and stupid dogs I have to say his thoughts on them are accurate.  Including his advice on allowing them to eat your food.  Take notes fellow felines.



Also, he is completely right about their marketing ploy.  We should really find out how they came up with that and recruit the being responsible for it to our side.  Just a thought.

Oh, and remember that it may be good for your pet to have these pets to keep them company, but don't ever let your human come near you with a string/leash.  Some indignities are just not to be contemplated. 

I have brought you these letters because I hope they will be of use to you.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty