The Zen of the Wood Chip

Dear Feline Readers,
Today I want to talk to you about achieving the zen of the wood chip.  Now if you are like me you would have seen this title and immediately thought to yourself what nonsense!  Because truly, who would want to give up being like a cat to become more like a wood chip?  But then you would have clicked the link anyway because your curiosity would have gotten the better of you.  Curiosity, cats... you get the picture.  The point is, I understand your skepticism.  However, I am not proposing you become like a wood chip, simply that you master a state of mind that will enhance your life.

Yes, I am stating that embracing the zen of the wood chip will improve your naps.

You see, sometimes as cats we just enjoy sleeping on precarious piles.  Napping in an impossible location that could topple at any moment but doesn't leads to the ultimate joy in napping.  The trick is learning not to fall off.  Nobody likes to have their perfect nap interrupted by gravity and a tumbling pile of towels scattering you across the floor just as you were about to catch that catnip mouse.  If you like sleeping on topsy turvy towers of laundry or a slippery stack of letters I am offering you advice that will help you to achieve the perfect nap in perilous locations.

"Why not just sleep in a safer spot?" you ask.
"Get behind me dog." I say

Can you truly call yourself a cat if you have not achieved at least one impossible thing a day?  Be it defying the laws of gravity, or visibility, or even Murphy, if you are not achieving the impossible you are either a foolish human or a dog, but you are no cat.  (I think the fact that dogs are such failures makes people feel less terrible about their own inadequacies.  There can't be any other reason that dogs are called man's best friend.  But I digress).

Machiavelli wrote "Never was anything great achieved without danger."  He was right.  And cats do not settle for anything less than greatness.  So the next time you are sleeping on a leaning tower of letters or a human who likes to toss and turn at night, meditate on the way of the wood chip.  A wood chip is irrepressible.  A wood chip calmly and without the least hint of effort floats through the water as it swirls and plunges.  A wood chip sails serenely atop the water as if waterfalls are but momentary trouble.  Wood chips always come up smiling.  Bigger sticks and other objects collect water, gain weight, sink, get caught on snags and hidden obstacles.  A wood chip has none of these problems.  Wood chips always seem to float gaily along on top of the angry frothing water.  No matter how turbulent the water beneath, the wood chip always ends up circling lazily in an eddy or bobbing along merrily to its next destination.  Waterfalls are not worth mentioning, a slippery stack of papers is nothing.  

Meditate on the way of the wood chip.  If you achieve the zen of the wood chip you too can float happily and lazily atop the froth of fuzzy blankets.  A human may toss and turn underneath you and you will float effortlessly atop the blankets serenely impervious to their movements.  No matter which way they might turn if you nap with the zen of the wood chip you will roll easily with their agitated tossing and come up smiling, ever atop the agitated surface below.  

"dsc_0814" photo via Flickr by JB

 

Meditate on the zen of the wood chip.  Enter into a state of mind like a wood chip.  Simplicity.  A wood chip has no cares and you, as a cat, are on equal footing.  You are small.  You are graceful.  You cannot be waterlogged and sink.  You are weightless.  You always float.  You are free. 

A stack of towels or letters may slide out from underneath you as you nap.  But the zen of the wood chip will allow you to float effortlessly on top unaffected by the danger of gravity.  You will swirl lazily in a calm eddy while the letters cascade away beneath you.  You will only continue your easy journey downstream when you choose to do so, not when the waters around you move. 

Nap with abandon my friends for you are a wood chip floating freely along the dangerous waters of life with effortless grace.  You will achieve great things because danger does not intimidate you and because you carry yourself with dignity and beauty and an elegant simplicity.  That is to say, you will achieve greatness because you are a cat.

I wish you the best naps.  May you always achieve the zen of the wood chip.  

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Invective Against Dogs

Dear and most cherished Readers,

I have a confession to make.  I am excessively fond of my three human pets and in particular my girl.  Therefore, I have allowed them to bring in not one, but two pets of their own.  My girl has been nervous of late, ever since the burglary of our home.  So, I allowed her to search for a dog to enable her to sleep more peacefully at night.  She came home with two, and I turned into a giant softy and allowed her to keep them.  Both.

I have to admit, it's sort of nice having giant blockhead dogs around to act as bouncers for our yard.  I no longer have to fight off the neighbors cat who keeps trying to take parts of my territory, or worry about the coyotes that live up the hill.  And to be fair, they do understand the importance of naps.  This does recommend them as not being entirely without virtue. 

And yet, here I am writing invectives to you against the very dogs I allowed to enter my home.  I may admit that they have their uses, but I certainly don't enjoy many of their antics.  Yes, yes, they keep out the coyotes.  But there are two of them and they are so very dull and tedious at times.

Truly, is there anything more disgusting than a dog?  They are excitable in the extreme.  Today I watched as they worked themselves into a frenzy because one of my human pets came into the room holding a pair of socks.  One can only assume that this signaled to the hideously stupid creatures that a walk was imminent.  Whatever tiny shred of dignity it is that dogs may retain on other occasions was lost instantly upon sighting the socks.  It is embarrassing to have such animals around at times.  As pets for my pets, or as I like to view them, my employees, it is embarrassing that they should have so little intelligence and dignity about them.

I know that as cats we are excessively attentive to our dignity.  Yet, one ought to be embarrassed for being so unabashedly excited about even the possibility of a walk.  Clearly, this is spoken from one with very little experience with dogs.  It seems they are barely able to contain themselves long enough to have the leashes put on.  And that is another thing.  I know that they are the pets of my pets, but to submit to being tied to a string.... terrible.  Dogs, however, seem entirely ignorant of their constant humiliation.

I suppose I ought not complain since I find them useful in some respects.  But could they not behave with just the smallest bit of dignity?  I know grace and elegance is beyond the mastery of a dog.  But could they not at least bathe themselves on occasion?  Or try not to drool all over themselves after a drink because they forget to close their mouths?  They eat anything without thought and sometimes without even a pretense at chewing.  They roll in the dirt, yes it's vile and also oddly interesting to watch from above.  And they bark at everything that moves and anyone who speaks.  Truly, dogs are the worst.  It's a miracle I have had the patience to deal with them at all.

Sigh, the things we do for love.  Never say I didn't care for my human.  Until then, I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

P.S.  If you think of a better way of protecting my human from her fears of intruders I will listen with bated breath and quivering whiskers.