The Zen of the Wood Chip

Dear Feline Readers,
Today I want to talk to you about achieving the zen of the wood chip.  Now if you are like me you would have seen this title and immediately thought to yourself what nonsense!  Because truly, who would want to give up being like a cat to become more like a wood chip?  But then you would have clicked the link anyway because your curiosity would have gotten the better of you.  Curiosity, cats... you get the picture.  The point is, I understand your skepticism.  However, I am not proposing you become like a wood chip, simply that you master a state of mind that will enhance your life.

Yes, I am stating that embracing the zen of the wood chip will improve your naps.

You see, sometimes as cats we just enjoy sleeping on precarious piles.  Napping in an impossible location that could topple at any moment but doesn't leads to the ultimate joy in napping.  The trick is learning not to fall off.  Nobody likes to have their perfect nap interrupted by gravity and a tumbling pile of towels scattering you across the floor just as you were about to catch that catnip mouse.  If you like sleeping on topsy turvy towers of laundry or a slippery stack of letters I am offering you advice that will help you to achieve the perfect nap in perilous locations.

"Why not just sleep in a safer spot?" you ask.
"Get behind me dog." I say

Can you truly call yourself a cat if you have not achieved at least one impossible thing a day?  Be it defying the laws of gravity, or visibility, or even Murphy, if you are not achieving the impossible you are either a foolish human or a dog, but you are no cat.  (I think the fact that dogs are such failures makes people feel less terrible about their own inadequacies.  There can't be any other reason that dogs are called man's best friend.  But I digress).

Machiavelli wrote "Never was anything great achieved without danger."  He was right.  And cats do not settle for anything less than greatness.  So the next time you are sleeping on a leaning tower of letters or a human who likes to toss and turn at night, meditate on the way of the wood chip.  A wood chip is irrepressible.  A wood chip calmly and without the least hint of effort floats through the water as it swirls and plunges.  A wood chip sails serenely atop the water as if waterfalls are but momentary trouble.  Wood chips always come up smiling.  Bigger sticks and other objects collect water, gain weight, sink, get caught on snags and hidden obstacles.  A wood chip has none of these problems.  Wood chips always seem to float gaily along on top of the angry frothing water.  No matter how turbulent the water beneath, the wood chip always ends up circling lazily in an eddy or bobbing along merrily to its next destination.  Waterfalls are not worth mentioning, a slippery stack of papers is nothing.  

Meditate on the way of the wood chip.  If you achieve the zen of the wood chip you too can float happily and lazily atop the froth of fuzzy blankets.  A human may toss and turn underneath you and you will float effortlessly atop the blankets serenely impervious to their movements.  No matter which way they might turn if you nap with the zen of the wood chip you will roll easily with their agitated tossing and come up smiling, ever atop the agitated surface below.  

"dsc_0814" photo via Flickr by JB

 

Meditate on the zen of the wood chip.  Enter into a state of mind like a wood chip.  Simplicity.  A wood chip has no cares and you, as a cat, are on equal footing.  You are small.  You are graceful.  You cannot be waterlogged and sink.  You are weightless.  You always float.  You are free. 

A stack of towels or letters may slide out from underneath you as you nap.  But the zen of the wood chip will allow you to float effortlessly on top unaffected by the danger of gravity.  You will swirl lazily in a calm eddy while the letters cascade away beneath you.  You will only continue your easy journey downstream when you choose to do so, not when the waters around you move. 

Nap with abandon my friends for you are a wood chip floating freely along the dangerous waters of life with effortless grace.  You will achieve great things because danger does not intimidate you and because you carry yourself with dignity and beauty and an elegant simplicity.  That is to say, you will achieve greatness because you are a cat.

I wish you the best naps.  May you always achieve the zen of the wood chip.  

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Daily Advice: Clean Whiskers

Good morning dear Readers,

I just woke up from my day long catnap and I intend to go to sleep for the night now.  You, are interrupting my beauty sleep, so I don't really have anything to say to you.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I promised you a piece of advice.  So, you shall have one.  I am true to my word.  I am a cat after all.

The advice for today has to do with your whiskers.  Always ensure that your whiskers are clean.  Clean whiskers are the hallmark of feline excellence.  It is much easier to retain a superior attitude and proper levels of dignity if you have clean whiskers.  Indignation and disdain look preposterous on the face of a cat whose whiskers are not perfectly clean.  Oh, and if you've ever heard the phrase that humans like to use "cleanliness is next to Godliness", well, it just so happens that the origin of this phrase lies in our clean whiskers.  In some cultures we cats are revered, if not as gods, at least as inherently superior beings.  Our cleanliness was noted and our impeccable whiskers inspired this phrase and also better grooming habits in humans.  So, dear friends, clean your whiskers.  Flaunt your superiority.  Inspire greatness everywhere.

Oh and take a nap.  Naps are wonderful.  Period.  Speaking of which I'm off to bed.  I'm pleased to say that I've given you two pieces of advice today.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

"Bo" photo via Flickr by Melissa

xx
Miss Kitty
                 

The Art of Hiding in Plain Sight

Cherished Readers,

Any feline worthy of the name cat ought to have the ability to hide in plain sight.  Truly it is a simple concept but the execution of it is anything but.  And yet, we cats are a talented and worthy species.  You see, hiding in plain sight is an art form.  Naturally there are gifted members of any species that can do so, but none so well as a cat.  And true masters of this art form have worked for years to perfect it.  Sometimes ultimate perfection in this method occurs after only several lifetimes of the cat in question while gifted cats achieve perfection in their first life.  Regardless of how long it takes an individual cat to achieve mastery of the art, cats are naturally better at this because of our inherent arrogance.  Hiding in plain sight requires a certain arrogance.  A certain "you cannot see me because I do not wish you to see me" sort of approach to the moment.

"Cat? What Cat?" photo via Flickr by Trish Hamme

That is right, human readers of rare intellect and feline friends, the trick to hiding in the middle of exposed fields or being invisible while standing in the open is all in the attitude.  A cat can make itself less visible by sheer force of will just as it can make you feel it's gaze on your back when it wishes to be noticed.  A cat, in other words, is capable of hiding in plain sight because only a cat has the force of will and natural arrogance to do it right.

Humans are not so good at hiding in plain sight because they think too much about the consequences.  If you were to place a human in a situation where they needed to hide while plainly visible they would fail nearly every time.  This is because it is rare for a human to be capable of silencing thoughts of the dire consequences that could arise if they fail to hide in plain sight.  Cats on the other hand are possessed of marvelous, dare I say, even miraculous levels of self confidence.  A cat knows precisely what it is capable of achieving and doubt only entered our vocabulary when we began owning human pets.  No self-respecting cat would doubt it's ability to do anything especially a concept as simple as hiding by sheer force of will.

The dog cannot see me because I am hiding behind this ball of twine. - Photo by Madder Hatter

Likewise a cat is not preoccupied with thoughts of the terrible things that will happen to it when it has failed to hide in plain view.  This is because the natural arrogance of a cat leaves this idea as firmly impossible.  The rare cat who does fail, deals with the consequences quickly, rationally and effectively so that even a failed attempt to hide in plain sight does not appear foolish but merely one of many tactics for a bad situation.  A cat may freeze upon seeing a dog and will itself invisible.  If by some catastrophe the dog smells the cat or glances at just the right time and sees the cat, the cat immediately enacts plan B which could be running, climbing a tree, or facing down the dog with claws drawn.  More often than not the cat is successful and remains invisible by sheer force of will.  Because a cat does not entertain the notion of failing it succeeds and this leaves it free to remain where it is and prevent the unnecessary expenditure of energy that flying up the nearest tree or fence would require.

Arrogance and will.  That is all it requires.  A cat does not fail to be invisible in the open because it has full faith in its abilities and also the inferiority of whatever species it is hiding from.  A cat can shield itself from view by a single blade of grass with only the desire to not be seen and the arrogance that they can do so.  Over time reality can not be made different than it is, but in a single moment you can be invisible simply because you will it so with an arrogance that defies reality and wins.  Arrogance is generally seen as a negative quality amongst humans but this is only because they do not know what true superiority looks like.

"Cat Stalking" photo via Flickr by Dennis Carr

The majority of humans who are arrogant are obnoxious because they believe themselves to be superior when everyone else can plainly see that they are not.  Arrogance in cats just is because cats truly are superior.  You are not labeled as an arrogant ass of a human if you truly are the best at what you do.  If you are the gold medalist in archery nobody thinks you are arrogant for saying so.  The problem lies in the difference between your perception of yourself and reality.  But cats are firmly grounded in reality.  We are arrogant yes, but in the best way. 

So, that is the lesson for today.  Do not underestimate the power of the will and the power of the mind.  True belief in yourself and the will to see things through are more powerful than many humans think.  So, go forth, be arrogant, be stubborn, have will power and succeed, even in the impossible.

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Welcome, Cherished Reader, to The Cat Knows Best

Dear Feline Friends,

I firmly believe, as every truly decent cat ought, that we are naturally superior to all other animals.  We are naturally, more brave, elegant, athletic and refined than our friends of other species.  As such it is often our duty to take care of and watch over lesser animals in need of our assistance.  I know that I am not alone amongst our civilized race in taking on a human pet.  And yet, from time to time, it can be difficult even for our sophisticated intelligence to understand how to deal with such lovable, yet inferior species.  I have had human pets for many years in many lives and I have started this project to offer advice to those cats who are new to owning and caring for human pets.

The first thing you should know about humans is that they like to think they own you.  This is a largely harmless delusion as long as you don't let them get too carried away.  Believing that they own you usually makes them rather desirous of pleasing you, which as you know is useful in pets.  It is very rarely required to use claws on your pet human.  If they should attempt to assert control over you a simple stare and refusal to do what they are asking usually reminds them who is in charge. 

Human pets can be very demanding but they are also loyal and well trained ones are obedient and often very amusing.  This column will contain anecdotes and advice on owning humans. This author, has found them to be very rewarding pets indeed.  To preserve my anonymity, and allow me plausible deniability should my pets catch me online, I shall simply be called Miss Kitty.  Considering that I am a very wise and kind-hearted cat I will also share tidbits of wisdom about life with you.  It would be selfish of me to keep all my wisdom and refinements to myself.  So, I will share profound truths about life and pet owning for the betterment of cats everywhere.  I am at your service because it pleases me to be so. 

Best of luck to you as you journey through life with your human pets.

On the internet they only know you're a cat if you get caught.
- photo by Madder Hatter

xx

Miss Kitty