Why do humans wear Glasses?

Dear Gentle Readers,

Today I have a bit of an observation to make about the way that humans wear glasses.  It has occurred to me that they seem to have no purpose.  My pet human has recently acquired what she calls reading glasses.  I have watched her closely and I can now say with certainty that she spends equal amounts of time reading without them as she does with them.  The wearing of said reading glasses does not make her read faster when I want her to do other things.  Nor do they make her more comfortable and tend towards longer reading sessions when I want to sleep on her lap.

"Shouldn't you be wearing these?" photo via Flickr by Edward Peters

Reading glasses do not appear to increase energy levels or in any way change my human's activities.  They do not seem to have much point, if I am entirely honest.  They only thing I have found good about them is that they come in an interesting case.  I love to watch it open and close revealing it's hidden contents.

I do try to be supportive of my pet even when I find her behavior odd and incomprehensible.  So I decided to anoint the reading glass with my approval by giving them a hearty face rub.  So, I began at the corners and rubbed my face on said reading glasses one evening when she was settling in to read.  And the strange creature seemed annoyed with this.  She made some vaguely disgruntled noise and removed the reading glasses saying that I had put a streak across them and they needed to be cleaned.  Really for a creature that does not lick it's fur into a state of perfection, a human can be very prissy about cleanliness and appearance sometimes.  You'd think I'd bent her whiskers in half and made her look lopsided the way she was carrying on. 

I do not understand her fascination with and appreciation of reading glasses.  Maybe they are somehow related to that strange glowing rectangles all humans love to stare at.  Only, perhaps reading glasses are better because there is one rectangle for each eye?  Who knows.  I suppose the main thing is that she is happy, even if I cannot understand her.  Silly pet.

"My Cat Wears Glasses" photo via Flickr by Nick Perla

Really, how DO they see out of these things?

My dear readers if you do have any insight into why my pet loves reading glasses I'd love to hear it.  I am, as you may suspect, entirely curious about them and their fascinating little case.

I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Zen of the Wood Chip

Dear Feline Readers,
Today I want to talk to you about achieving the zen of the wood chip.  Now if you are like me you would have seen this title and immediately thought to yourself what nonsense!  Because truly, who would want to give up being like a cat to become more like a wood chip?  But then you would have clicked the link anyway because your curiosity would have gotten the better of you.  Curiosity, cats... you get the picture.  The point is, I understand your skepticism.  However, I am not proposing you become like a wood chip, simply that you master a state of mind that will enhance your life.

Yes, I am stating that embracing the zen of the wood chip will improve your naps.

You see, sometimes as cats we just enjoy sleeping on precarious piles.  Napping in an impossible location that could topple at any moment but doesn't leads to the ultimate joy in napping.  The trick is learning not to fall off.  Nobody likes to have their perfect nap interrupted by gravity and a tumbling pile of towels scattering you across the floor just as you were about to catch that catnip mouse.  If you like sleeping on topsy turvy towers of laundry or a slippery stack of letters I am offering you advice that will help you to achieve the perfect nap in perilous locations.

"Why not just sleep in a safer spot?" you ask.
"Get behind me dog." I say

Can you truly call yourself a cat if you have not achieved at least one impossible thing a day?  Be it defying the laws of gravity, or visibility, or even Murphy, if you are not achieving the impossible you are either a foolish human or a dog, but you are no cat.  (I think the fact that dogs are such failures makes people feel less terrible about their own inadequacies.  There can't be any other reason that dogs are called man's best friend.  But I digress).

Machiavelli wrote "Never was anything great achieved without danger."  He was right.  And cats do not settle for anything less than greatness.  So the next time you are sleeping on a leaning tower of letters or a human who likes to toss and turn at night, meditate on the way of the wood chip.  A wood chip is irrepressible.  A wood chip calmly and without the least hint of effort floats through the water as it swirls and plunges.  A wood chip sails serenely atop the water as if waterfalls are but momentary trouble.  Wood chips always come up smiling.  Bigger sticks and other objects collect water, gain weight, sink, get caught on snags and hidden obstacles.  A wood chip has none of these problems.  Wood chips always seem to float gaily along on top of the angry frothing water.  No matter how turbulent the water beneath, the wood chip always ends up circling lazily in an eddy or bobbing along merrily to its next destination.  Waterfalls are not worth mentioning, a slippery stack of papers is nothing.  

Meditate on the way of the wood chip.  If you achieve the zen of the wood chip you too can float happily and lazily atop the froth of fuzzy blankets.  A human may toss and turn underneath you and you will float effortlessly atop the blankets serenely impervious to their movements.  No matter which way they might turn if you nap with the zen of the wood chip you will roll easily with their agitated tossing and come up smiling, ever atop the agitated surface below.  

"dsc_0814" photo via Flickr by JB

 

Meditate on the zen of the wood chip.  Enter into a state of mind like a wood chip.  Simplicity.  A wood chip has no cares and you, as a cat, are on equal footing.  You are small.  You are graceful.  You cannot be waterlogged and sink.  You are weightless.  You always float.  You are free. 

A stack of towels or letters may slide out from underneath you as you nap.  But the zen of the wood chip will allow you to float effortlessly on top unaffected by the danger of gravity.  You will swirl lazily in a calm eddy while the letters cascade away beneath you.  You will only continue your easy journey downstream when you choose to do so, not when the waters around you move. 

Nap with abandon my friends for you are a wood chip floating freely along the dangerous waters of life with effortless grace.  You will achieve great things because danger does not intimidate you and because you carry yourself with dignity and beauty and an elegant simplicity.  That is to say, you will achieve greatness because you are a cat.

I wish you the best naps.  May you always achieve the zen of the wood chip.  

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

Daily Advice: Clean Whiskers

Good morning dear Readers,

I just woke up from my day long catnap and I intend to go to sleep for the night now.  You, are interrupting my beauty sleep, so I don't really have anything to say to you.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I promised you a piece of advice.  So, you shall have one.  I am true to my word.  I am a cat after all.

The advice for today has to do with your whiskers.  Always ensure that your whiskers are clean.  Clean whiskers are the hallmark of feline excellence.  It is much easier to retain a superior attitude and proper levels of dignity if you have clean whiskers.  Indignation and disdain look preposterous on the face of a cat whose whiskers are not perfectly clean.  Oh, and if you've ever heard the phrase that humans like to use "cleanliness is next to Godliness", well, it just so happens that the origin of this phrase lies in our clean whiskers.  In some cultures we cats are revered, if not as gods, at least as inherently superior beings.  Our cleanliness was noted and our impeccable whiskers inspired this phrase and also better grooming habits in humans.  So, dear friends, clean your whiskers.  Flaunt your superiority.  Inspire greatness everywhere.

Oh and take a nap.  Naps are wonderful.  Period.  Speaking of which I'm off to bed.  I'm pleased to say that I've given you two pieces of advice today.  As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

"Bo" photo via Flickr by Melissa

xx
Miss Kitty
                 

The Perfect Day

Dear Readers,
I do not think it is very becoming in cats to exhibit false modesty.  So, I shall get straight to the point and announce with pleasure that I have come up with the recipe for the perfect day.  Here is how my day went and consequently here is my recipe for the perfect day.

1. Get a good night's sleep
I awoke from a nice long sleep through most of the night (after I completed my hunting exercises of forty sprints up and down the hall in the dark) and stretched luxuriously in my nest of exactly three different types of fuzzy blankets. 

2. Stretch
After arising from my perfectly shaped nest I stretched all my limbs and arched my back for the perfect "I've just stretched and the world is my bed of catnip feeling".

3. Nap
I walked three paces from the bottom of the bed where my nest is to my human's legs and stretched out on top of her for a quick morning nap.  This was only slightly interrupted when she wished to roll over in her sleep but I readjusted and we continued napping.

"Clawy stretch" photo via Flickr by Martin Cathrae

4.  Stretch before you Dine
I awoke from my quick catnap and stretched deeply before proceeding to my breakfast. 

5. Obtain affection
I made sure at least two of my three human pets were up and doing their chores and allowed them to pet me in appreciation of my beauty and perfection.

6. Nap
I napped on top of my pet's legs again til it was time for her to get up and then I demanded she start exercising for her health.

7. Tour the gardens
My estate is of a goodly size and I need to ensure it's proper maintenance and the smooth efficiency of it's running.  I always check the perimeter for coyotes in case I need to call the giant blockhead dogs to act as guards again.

8. Catnap
Now that I've inspected everything and made sure my pets and employees know of any deficiencies it is time for a nice long catnap.  Usually I take this in the living room atop a tower at the summit of which is a blanket nest.  It is perfect for being at the center of activity should I be needed, observing things with a lazy eye when I'm half asleep and napping in the company of my beloved pets.

9. Stretch before lunch
Stretch before a quick dash up the stairs to keep nimble then dine upstairs away from the dogs and their hideous way of devouring food and leaving crumbs everywhere.  They ought to have more pride in their manners.

"Stretching his claws" photo via Flickr by Grendelkhan

10.  Afternoon stroll
I inspected the grounds, chased lizards etc.

11.  Catnap
On the clean towels

13. Evening jaunt outside
My favorite time outside is just after the sun sets when the air has cooled off and the frogs start singing in the creek below. 

14. Dine
I always make sure one of my pets touches my food to ensure it's edibility.  Then I allow them to go while I eat in the casual and relaxing atmosphere of my private dining room.  

15. Catnap
At this hour I sleep on the tower where I can watch with one sleepy eye while the humans finish up their nightly activities.

16. Exercise
Practice hunting

17 Go to bed.
I settle in for the night in my nest, or if convenient on my human's legs.

18 Wake up refreshed and start all over

I don't mind saying that the day really was a delectable example of perfection.  Give it a try gentle feline readers and see if this recipe for a perfect day suits you equally as well.  If you will excuse me it is now time for my fifth nap of the day.  I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty
           

My Poor Cat Door

Dear Readers,
I am almost afraid to write this to you because of how undignified it is.  I do not wish to shock your delicate ears or curl your elegant whiskers.  But I feel that I must share this shocking news with someone.

"Shadow Barking Through the Cat Door" - photo by Madder Hatter

My cat door has been violated.

By a dog!!!

It seems that the two blockheads discussed in my last post, (you can read it here), have stooped to new levels of disgrace.  They have sullied my beautiful and personal door to the outside world with their hideous muzzles.  Well, I shouldn't say they, exactly.  I've only caught one of them in this disgraceful pose, but I have no doubt the other has no scruples and would disgrace me in the same way if he had the chance.  The larger of the two blockheads throws himself at the floor and tries to squish as much of his gargantuan face through the cat door as possible.  He seems to view it as his personal window for barking at those who approach the kitchen door.

He SLOBBERS on MY threshold.  My personal door.  Ruined!!!  The horror of it!  The indignity of it!  You can imagine my horror when I saw this heinous performance.  He jowls bestowing liberal slobberous lubricants to my small doorframe.  The cat flap resting on the tip of his nose and leaping violently with every undignified and monstrous bark.  His eyes barely fitting into the frame peering out as though there was nothing more natural in the world than a giant hulking ogre of a beast attempting to squish his 93 pound body through a door meant for my slim and elegant form.  Are my sensibilities to be offended in every possible way!?!   I ask you, is there no end to their heinous behaviors?

"Cat Door or Dog Window?" - photo by Madder Hatter

I nearly fainted with the shock of such a hideous sight.  I do not blame you if you feel a faintness coming on either.  I wish I could tell you that I was joking, though I must say it would be a joke in very poor taste.  But alas, I cannot.  It is all too true.  These blockheads, these ogres, these Dogs must be taught their place and I can assure you that it is not with their heads protruding through MY door.  I must do something to reclaim it.

"The End of Order" - photo by Madder Hatter

Let this be a lesson to you.  Inviting dogs into your home for whatever reason only leads to strife and an appalling lack in cleanliness and order.  I know they are inferior creatures but I have to admit to having very uncharitable dreams about their sudden and convenient demise.  I have a few plots in mind for reclaiming my door; unfortunately they do not involve untimely departure from this world as it would only upset my human.  I do love her so.  But something must be done to curb the wicked ways of the dogs.  I am still pondering the best method of dealing with them and I welcome any suggestions from those felines more versed in dealing with malodorous and hideous beasts.


As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty

Invective Against Dogs

Dear and most cherished Readers,

I have a confession to make.  I am excessively fond of my three human pets and in particular my girl.  Therefore, I have allowed them to bring in not one, but two pets of their own.  My girl has been nervous of late, ever since the burglary of our home.  So, I allowed her to search for a dog to enable her to sleep more peacefully at night.  She came home with two, and I turned into a giant softy and allowed her to keep them.  Both.

I have to admit, it's sort of nice having giant blockhead dogs around to act as bouncers for our yard.  I no longer have to fight off the neighbors cat who keeps trying to take parts of my territory, or worry about the coyotes that live up the hill.  And to be fair, they do understand the importance of naps.  This does recommend them as not being entirely without virtue. 

And yet, here I am writing invectives to you against the very dogs I allowed to enter my home.  I may admit that they have their uses, but I certainly don't enjoy many of their antics.  Yes, yes, they keep out the coyotes.  But there are two of them and they are so very dull and tedious at times.

Truly, is there anything more disgusting than a dog?  They are excitable in the extreme.  Today I watched as they worked themselves into a frenzy because one of my human pets came into the room holding a pair of socks.  One can only assume that this signaled to the hideously stupid creatures that a walk was imminent.  Whatever tiny shred of dignity it is that dogs may retain on other occasions was lost instantly upon sighting the socks.  It is embarrassing to have such animals around at times.  As pets for my pets, or as I like to view them, my employees, it is embarrassing that they should have so little intelligence and dignity about them.

I know that as cats we are excessively attentive to our dignity.  Yet, one ought to be embarrassed for being so unabashedly excited about even the possibility of a walk.  Clearly, this is spoken from one with very little experience with dogs.  It seems they are barely able to contain themselves long enough to have the leashes put on.  And that is another thing.  I know that they are the pets of my pets, but to submit to being tied to a string.... terrible.  Dogs, however, seem entirely ignorant of their constant humiliation.

I suppose I ought not complain since I find them useful in some respects.  But could they not behave with just the smallest bit of dignity?  I know grace and elegance is beyond the mastery of a dog.  But could they not at least bathe themselves on occasion?  Or try not to drool all over themselves after a drink because they forget to close their mouths?  They eat anything without thought and sometimes without even a pretense at chewing.  They roll in the dirt, yes it's vile and also oddly interesting to watch from above.  And they bark at everything that moves and anyone who speaks.  Truly, dogs are the worst.  It's a miracle I have had the patience to deal with them at all.

Sigh, the things we do for love.  Never say I didn't care for my human.  Until then, I am, as ever, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

P.S.  If you think of a better way of protecting my human from her fears of intruders I will listen with bated breath and quivering whiskers.

The Art of Hiding in Plain Sight

Cherished Readers,

Any feline worthy of the name cat ought to have the ability to hide in plain sight.  Truly it is a simple concept but the execution of it is anything but.  And yet, we cats are a talented and worthy species.  You see, hiding in plain sight is an art form.  Naturally there are gifted members of any species that can do so, but none so well as a cat.  And true masters of this art form have worked for years to perfect it.  Sometimes ultimate perfection in this method occurs after only several lifetimes of the cat in question while gifted cats achieve perfection in their first life.  Regardless of how long it takes an individual cat to achieve mastery of the art, cats are naturally better at this because of our inherent arrogance.  Hiding in plain sight requires a certain arrogance.  A certain "you cannot see me because I do not wish you to see me" sort of approach to the moment.

"Cat? What Cat?" photo via Flickr by Trish Hamme

That is right, human readers of rare intellect and feline friends, the trick to hiding in the middle of exposed fields or being invisible while standing in the open is all in the attitude.  A cat can make itself less visible by sheer force of will just as it can make you feel it's gaze on your back when it wishes to be noticed.  A cat, in other words, is capable of hiding in plain sight because only a cat has the force of will and natural arrogance to do it right.

Humans are not so good at hiding in plain sight because they think too much about the consequences.  If you were to place a human in a situation where they needed to hide while plainly visible they would fail nearly every time.  This is because it is rare for a human to be capable of silencing thoughts of the dire consequences that could arise if they fail to hide in plain sight.  Cats on the other hand are possessed of marvelous, dare I say, even miraculous levels of self confidence.  A cat knows precisely what it is capable of achieving and doubt only entered our vocabulary when we began owning human pets.  No self-respecting cat would doubt it's ability to do anything especially a concept as simple as hiding by sheer force of will.

The dog cannot see me because I am hiding behind this ball of twine. - Photo by Madder Hatter

Likewise a cat is not preoccupied with thoughts of the terrible things that will happen to it when it has failed to hide in plain view.  This is because the natural arrogance of a cat leaves this idea as firmly impossible.  The rare cat who does fail, deals with the consequences quickly, rationally and effectively so that even a failed attempt to hide in plain sight does not appear foolish but merely one of many tactics for a bad situation.  A cat may freeze upon seeing a dog and will itself invisible.  If by some catastrophe the dog smells the cat or glances at just the right time and sees the cat, the cat immediately enacts plan B which could be running, climbing a tree, or facing down the dog with claws drawn.  More often than not the cat is successful and remains invisible by sheer force of will.  Because a cat does not entertain the notion of failing it succeeds and this leaves it free to remain where it is and prevent the unnecessary expenditure of energy that flying up the nearest tree or fence would require.

Arrogance and will.  That is all it requires.  A cat does not fail to be invisible in the open because it has full faith in its abilities and also the inferiority of whatever species it is hiding from.  A cat can shield itself from view by a single blade of grass with only the desire to not be seen and the arrogance that they can do so.  Over time reality can not be made different than it is, but in a single moment you can be invisible simply because you will it so with an arrogance that defies reality and wins.  Arrogance is generally seen as a negative quality amongst humans but this is only because they do not know what true superiority looks like.

"Cat Stalking" photo via Flickr by Dennis Carr

The majority of humans who are arrogant are obnoxious because they believe themselves to be superior when everyone else can plainly see that they are not.  Arrogance in cats just is because cats truly are superior.  You are not labeled as an arrogant ass of a human if you truly are the best at what you do.  If you are the gold medalist in archery nobody thinks you are arrogant for saying so.  The problem lies in the difference between your perception of yourself and reality.  But cats are firmly grounded in reality.  We are arrogant yes, but in the best way. 

So, that is the lesson for today.  Do not underestimate the power of the will and the power of the mind.  True belief in yourself and the will to see things through are more powerful than many humans think.  So, go forth, be arrogant, be stubborn, have will power and succeed, even in the impossible.

As ever, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty