A Haiku in the Modern Cat Language

Zoe in light by Mad Ball via Flickr

Meow Mew Mee-ow Meow,

Mrroow Mrrooww rrrowww hiss mrow,

MOoew Mee-ow Meow

Abelard - your scholarly cat

The Nightly Hunt

           The sun has set and it is time to prepare for the game.  Not long now and the hunt will be afoot.  It is so every evening as the sun's last light fades.

          I feel my whiskers quiver in anticipation.  I feel my eyes waxing large, growing in their strength while others feel their sight diminish with the waning of the sun.  I feel my whole being coming alive in this moment of excitement, the final moments before the nightly hunt begins.

          Let them assemble their hunting parties in their dusky halls.  Let them don their heavy jackets and acquire their hunting kit.  Let them bravely tell stories of hunts of old wherein they "had spied the cat among the bushes before the dark was full upon them and they had missed the curfew".  

          Allow them their final moments of jovial bravery before the hunt.  Let them sally forth in great multitudes and be routed.  Let them quiver in cold fear at the very thought of the sharp teeth of coyotes and imagine with feverish intent the cruel claws of owls.  My courage will hold fast as the light weakens.  Let them call and chase wildly in the night to no avail.  Tonight I shall not be found.  

          There have been nights where I have been unprepared and caught up before the darkness falls.  It will not be this night.  There have been nights where the swaying grasses have betrayed me, parting to show my form.  It will not be this night.  There may be a night where the time of the coyotes and broken quiet falls suddenly upon the world before the light has even started to fade.  But it will not be this night.

          Tonight I will sit in perfect stillness.  Tonight I will be the dusk and twilight gathering into night.  Tonight I will claim my inheritance.  I am a Cat.  I am born of shadows and darkness.  I am the stillness of the night and the danger in the shadows.  The nighttime is my birthright, the legacy of my ancestors.  

Lo there does the darkness call to me

Lo there do I see my father

Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers

Lo there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. 

They bid me take my place among them, in the ancient rites of darkness where cats are king and the brave may live forever.

Welcome New Cat Authors!

Life is a hectic race sometimes, isn't it?  In order to prevent the encroachment of life's crazy activities on my nap time I've decided to gather up some new experts, I mean cats, to contribute to this blog.  So, today, I'm going to introduce a few new cats to you.

Don't worry I'll still be here with critical advice for you.  In the meantime you will get to enjoy the wisdom of more than one cat.  We are all naturally brilliant creatures.  So, I know having a few more cat contributors will only be beneficial to everyone.

So without further ado, I will let the authors introduce themselves.  

Abelard

Hello, or Salve, as it's said in Ancient Rome.  I am a scholar, a linguist, and a great advocate for the Cat language.  Humans believe that the oldest language was Sumerian, dating to roughly 3500BC.  This is not true.  The poetic language of Cats has been part of a global oral tradition that vastly predates any written human language.  Our language has a sophistication, a beauty, that is hard to capture.  It is no secret that the Egyptian's revered us.  This is largely due to the elegance and finesse of our language, our culture, and our oral tradition.  

I suppose you are all wondering if the Ancient Cat language was a written language all of those years ago.  It has been a well kept secret but Cat had a secret written language that was known only to cats for many millennia.  A landmark Cat Council five years ago concluded that we could admit to the existence of our ancient written language, though no human will ever be taught Ancient Cat.  What is more known, but still a rather well kept secret is that a modern version of Cat has been developed to adapt Cat to age of the Internet.  

I think it is a true shame that there aren't more pieces written in Cat.  So, after this introduction all of my pieces will be written entirely in the modern Cat language.  As it's such a concise and beautifully nuanced language my posts will be short and elegant, much shorter than the English ones you'll read.  I'll include links to scholarly articles when appropriate.  Now, if you don't know Cat, then this is your chance to learn.  You're welcome.  

JoJo 

Hello, gentle cat folk and human pets.  I am a Russian Blue, a large, regal and dignified Cat, though I say so myself.  In my household I have three human pets and two dogs that I consider bodyguards.  I am here to provide you more advice on daily life, teach you the best training techniques for human pets, write a bit about life as a Cat and much more.  Some of my pieces will be more poetic, some comedic and some will just contain advice and anecdotes about my life.  I shall entertain and advise as long as Miss Kitty sees fit to keep me around.  

The SuRB

I am part of a secret underworld faction of Cat mobsters.  I cannot tell you who I work for.  In that life I am known as The SuRB.  It is short for Surly Round Bastard.  I have lived more of my nine lives than I will admit to in public.  But violence and risk are just part of the mobster life.  I have not been a naive kitten for several lives now.  Mob cats do not retire to live the quiet life and sleep on velvet cushions.  I am here to write some of the stories from the good old days.  Don't worry, none of these stories will come back to haunt you.  

For those of you human pets and pampered kittens who have never encountered a cat mobster I will give you a few basic facts.  Stories from past lives are allowed to be legends.  Every life a cat is allowed to choose a new name.  In the Cat Mob, a cat is usually given a name, rather like human gangsters from the films.  I was given my current name, The SuRB by some of my fellow mob cats.  You will have to ask them about it, if you have questions.  I am only here to tell stories about my past lives and events as a mob cat.  

Nerone

I'm an historian and will be bringing interesting Cat history to both Cats and human pets.  Our history has been long and complex across the globe and I think in modern times has been overlooked.  I blame the deplorable state of journalism and sensationalist news cycles for this.  Well, that and the internet meme culture.  Humans have been laughing at us for too long and neglecting the serious nature of important cat history and culture.  I think that this is in part due to the fact that Cats prefer to only speak on important subjects, not litter the internet with every passing thought that might occur to a dog.  We need to begin to balance the account of history with our own perspective and I am here to do just that.  

Princess

I am a lifestyle Cat.  I am here to teach you how to live the best life, to achieve a heightened state of royalty, and to get your human to pamper you beyond reason.  I'm talking diamonds and parties, velvet cushions, fashion and butter served on silver dishes.  

Humans May Very Well Have Lost Their Minds

Dear Cherished Readers,

I’m afraid I have something alarming to report.  As we all know, the internet has never been a place for those of delicate sensibilities.  However, I discovered something that has shocked me to a new depth.  If you don’t care for indelicate topics of discussion I suggest you retire from this page to another before you are upset by the contents of this page.  If you stay be prepared to encounter a truly upsetting trend that I've just discovered among humans.  The other day I was scrolling through the internet catching up on news, looking for cat memes and so forth.  We are superior to all creatures and therefore even in comedy we are superior.  I argue that any cat who denies enjoying cat memes is lying to you.  Not that all memes are as amusing as humans think, but I digress. 

I started doing research into one of my favorite snacks, mice.  And I came across a website about mice.  Well, I should say, a website selling mice of all varieties, fancy mice, satin mice, black and white pied mice, and rex mice.  The idea of all those mice made me long for a good chase and a snack and a thought occurred to me.  What if this business were run by a cat?  

Mostly we cats prefer to sit back and relax and let our human pets do all the work for us, a lifestyle choice if you will.  However, the idea of having access to all these beautifully plump mice, I admit, has some appeal.  But I think it was just my hunger talking as I read through this website like a menu.  Upon further consideration I have realized there is no way this business selling mice is run by a cat. 

First, let’s address the extraneous things being sold.  A cat might find it worth their while to raise, and eat, I mean sell, mice.  Artisanal foods at farmer’s markets are a growing trend and I can see a business savvy cat bringing this trend to the fancy mouse market.  But no self-respecting cat would grow mealworms and superworms.  A kitten might bat at one a few times simply because they wiggle but other than that they are beneath our notice and therefore dignity.  They offer no challenge, no thrill of the hunt and they are not tasty, they have no value to a cat.  Aside from which, worms of this sort are usually fed to scaly things that we cats prefer to chase and destroy, not make contacts with.  So, clearly the purveyor of these goods is not a cat.

Secondly, and more alarmingly, is the purported purpose of the mice.  I had started reading the website thinking it was innocent enough.  What is not to like about plump docile mice, bred for their sweet temperament?  I quickly realized I’d let the delicious look of the mice distract me from the words on the page.  These mice are being sold as pets. 

Pets! 

I ask you, have you ever heard of such a preposterous notion?  Now, I'm going to say something shocking.  Have the prospected customers never heard of dogs, the more superior pet?  Gentle readers, you know I have no respect for the slobbering beasts called dogs.  The fact that the humans like to keep them as pets is still baffling to me.  However, facing the shocking idea of keeping mice in the beloved position of pet leads me to say that I think dogs would be a more noble pet.  I have seen humans keeping dogs, horses, and even scaly things as pets.  I thought that was bad enough.  I had, of course, heard rumours of humans keeping mice as pets but I thought it was just that, a dirty rumour.  

At first I was shocked, scandalized even, and I hoped it was some sort of joke.  But I assure you it is not.  There are even links about how to take care of mice as pets.  The idea of investing energy into keeping a fancy mouse as a pet.  Why, it’s almost too appalling to mention. 

Simply imagine the tensions within your kingdom that a pet mouse would cause.  Can you really guarantee that you wouldn't reach a moment of frustrated hunger that would lead you to eat your beloved pet human's pet mouse?  I assure you that the death of a pet mouse would not do much for the peace of your home.  Now, now, I can feel your indignation.  As a cat, it's my job to eat rodents you say.  Don't think I don't understand.

The problem is that you would have already allowed your pet human to bond with and make an emotional connection with a snack item.  There is no point in trying to explain this to your human.  They are simple, emotional creatures.  The fact would be lost on them that this situation is remarkably similar to you bonding with a chocolate donut and then crying when they eat it.  You cannot reason with your pet's emotions.  They will be sad, that is the simple truth.  That is why it is best to simply avoid this scenario entirely.  It is best to simply deny your pets the power of owning a pet mouse.

Now, it's possible that this is only a large trend on the East Coast.  The website in question, selling fancy pet mice, is for mice in Rhode Island.  I ask all you feline readers from the East Coast, is this a growing trend among humans in your region?

Truly, wild humans, who don't have a gentling feline presence in their lives to guide them, have been found to get up to all manner of crazy activities.  You cannot worry about the activities of all humans, you can only worry about your own pet humans and their sanity and discipline.  Letting them think they can bring mice into the house as a pet and set rules for you concerning the mice is the quickest road to insubordination in your home.  This will lead to all manner of discipline problems.

My advice, my fine whiskered readers, is to try to restore your pet's sanity.  Start by reminding them that they only need your company.  If that does not satisfy them you may have to resort to trying to sabotage your pet's idea to acquire a pet mouse.  Start leaving them hints that dogs would be a more traditional choice of pet, or perhaps a horse that you can at the very least justify as a work animal.  If all else fails you can always try using the method described in a previous article to stop your human cold.  You can read it here should you so desire.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx

Miss Kitty

Daily Advice: The Quickest Way to Freak Out a Human

Dear Cherished Feline Readers,

You know I'm a fan of human pets and wish them no harm.  However, it is on occasion important to have an edge on them and to use it.  Sometimes humans can be obstinate.  It does them no good to hold onto things or worse yet they sometimes try to enforce some fresh new obstinacy on us.  The absolute quickest way to get a human to stop being obstinate, irrational, or trying to impose their will on you is to play on their emotions and suspicions.  Note, this is a dangerous game to play.  Don't use it unless it is necessary as the quickest way to keep your human safe, or dissolve a fraught situation.

Ok, so, if you deem it is necessary to stop your human pet cold, I give you the following advice.  Humans are emotional and suspicious creatures that can be brought to a cold terror in under two minutes.  And the beautiful part is that it's the easiest thing in the world.  All you need to do to stop a human dead is to stare with crazy intensity at a thing that isn't there.  If you pick a spot near the corner of the ceiling and stare at it as though it holds something fascinating and vaguely upsetting your human will stop whatever they were doing and ask "what do you see?", or "what are you staring at?".  If you persist in staring at that spot as though breaking eye contact could have some disastrous consequence you'll quickly have them responding emotionally whether they want to or not.  You'll soon see that humans have a deep fear of things they cannot see.  Best case scenario you will have your human convinced there is a ghost and only you can see it.  At the very least they will feel unsettled and be freaked out for a few minutes before they can rationalize themselves back into feeling safe.

Either way, your human pet will immediately stop whatever offensive behavior, they were engaged in.  More than that even, their brief emotional stint will make them forget entirely what they were about before all of the freaking out.

Well, aside from a further caution that this technique should be used very sparingly, I have no other advice for you on this point.  And now my gentle feline readers it is time for me to retire for the evening.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty

Spring is for Bunnies!

Dearest Readers,

Today, you may be aware, is officially the 21st day of spring.  It is also the the 11th day of my unwarranted incarceration.  Now, my human pet is on occasion a bit overprotective of me.  On nights when the coyotes are howling, I stay indoors and allow her to think I am following her curfew.  But this recent imprisonment is different.

Spring is my favorite season. I love running around in the newly warm air.  I love sitting in the middle of a field of delicate flowers.  I love butterflies.  I love the playful breeze that tickles my whiskers while I nap in the sun.

I LOVE baby bunnies!

And my human has unjustly imprisoned me these last eleven days.  Eleven days!  More than an entire week of forced indoor time.  I can't for the life of me figure out why she has done this to me.  Eleven days without a single butterfly or bunny to play with.

I don't think my human is being intentionally cruel but she must not understand how much I love rabbits.  They are small, soft, adorable and I simply love to kill them.

I've brought my human four dead rabbits since spring started.  The first baby rabbit I killed I brought in the house while she was away.  I don't think that she was very pleased that it wasn't fresh when she finally found it.  The next baby bunny I killed, I brought to her in the middle of the night.  It was very fresh.  It's legs were still floppy when she saw it. But somehow she wasn't quite as happy as I thought she should be.

I decided she just must be tired so I kept my joy of spring to myself for a bit.  I brought in a dead baby bunny to play with while she slept on another night.  But when she found it she got rid of it and seemed upset.  I think she was jealous that I had a toy and she didn't.  Honestly, I wish humans would communicate a little bit better.  Because I truly love her, I went out to catch her a new toy.  I found and killed a new toy for her with perfectly tiny baby bunny ears and she still wasn't happy.

There was only one conclusion that we could draw from this.  She must have wanted to kill her own baby bunnies.  So, on my last excursion outside, I caught her a new baby bunny.  This new bunny toy I brought into the house still kicking.  I'd carefully captured it with only a few minor wounds.  She promptly took her toy outside without me.

I thought she was pleased.  She must have noticed the pains I went to in order to catch it for her.  But since that evening she has been locking my cat door after dinner.

How am I supposed to enjoy spring this way?  How am I meant to chase butterflies and eat bunnies if I am stuck inside staring at spring through a window.

Maybe she is concerned that I am not getting enough sleep these days.  I've been sleeping all day to try to convince her that I am fine and ready to go outside again. 

If it pleases you to give me any advice on this troubling subject of human and cat interactions, I would be most obliged.

Until then, I am, as always, at your service as it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty

The Bathing Ritual - Are Humans Really Clean?

"Cleaning" photo via Flickr by W.Ho's Photo?

Dear Readers,

We all know that cats are inherently clean, unlike certain unmentionable creatures that are sometimes called man's best friend.  But the real question is whether humans and their bathing habits are truly above reproach in the cleanliness area. 

So, as a naturally suspicious cat I like to supervise my human's bathing habits to ensure that she does in fact clean and make sure nothing attacks her when she is in the shower, you know, spiders, dogs, that sort of thing.  But I don't like to just barge in at her heels like a slobbering dog would do.  I like to be invited.  So I run to the door and then walk away til she closes it.  Then I politely ask to be invited in.  She sighs and asks "Well, do you want in or not?" And then I come in at a sedate pace like the gentile lady that I am.

"Just a Little Lick" photo by Madder Hatter

She bathes, with loads of water, frankly a barbaric custom if you ask me.  One of these days she will catch a cold.  While she douses herself with water I wait impatiently on the rugs til she finishes.  If I fear she has been in the water too long for her own good I start shouting at her to get out.  Then I encourage her to dry herself quickly by running to and from the door.  She thinks I want out and says she cannot open the door because she is not dressed.  Really I'm just concerned about her safety.  It's not healthy to stay wet all over for such lengths of time.  I'm just trying to speed things up for her own good.

I also usually give her a few licks on her legs and feet to make sure at least a small part of her has been properly cleaned not just sprinkled with water.  She squirms about when I do this.  Truly she is worse than a kitten.

But in the end we all end up toasty warm with a fuzzy blanket for the evening so I suppose I can overlook my pet's deplorable grasp of proper hygiene.  But if you have any suggestions for how to convince a human to stop watering herself please do let me know.

I am, as always, at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx
Miss Kitty