Daily Advice: The Quickest Way to Freak Out a Human

Dear Cherished Feline Readers,

You know I'm a fan of human pets and wish them no harm.  However, it is on occasion important to have an edge on them and to use it.  Sometimes humans can be obstinate.  It does them no good to hold onto things or worse yet they sometimes try to enforce some fresh new obstinacy on us.  The absolute quickest way to get a human to stop being obstinate, irrational, or trying to impose their will on you is to play on their emotions and suspicions.  Note, this is a dangerous game to play.  Don't use it unless it is necessary as the quickest way to keep your human safe, or dissolve a fraught situation.

Ok, so, if you deem it is necessary to stop your human pet cold, I give you the following advice.  Humans are emotional and suspicious creatures that can be brought to a cold terror in under two minutes.  And the beautiful part is that it's the easiest thing in the world.  All you need to do to stop a human dead is to stare with crazy intensity at a thing that isn't there.  If you pick a spot near the corner of the ceiling and stare at it as though it holds something fascinating and vaguely upsetting your human will stop whatever they were doing and ask "what do you see?", or "what are you staring at?".  If you persist in staring at that spot as though breaking eye contact could have some disastrous consequence you'll quickly have them responding emotionally whether they want to or not.  You'll soon see that humans have a deep fear of things they cannot see.  Best case scenario you will have your human convinced there is a ghost and only you can see it.  At the very least they will feel unsettled and be freaked out for a few minutes before they can rationalize themselves back into feeling safe.

Either way, your human pet will immediately stop whatever offensive behavior, they were engaged in.  More than that even, their brief emotional stint will make them forget entirely what they were about before all of the freaking out.

Well, aside from a further caution that this technique should be used very sparingly, I have no other advice for you on this point.  And now my gentle feline readers it is time for me to retire for the evening.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty