A Haiku in the Modern Cat Language

Zoe in light by Mad Ball via Flickr

Meow Mew Mee-ow Meow,

Mrroow Mrrooww rrrowww hiss mrow,

MOoew Mee-ow Meow

Abelard - your scholarly cat

The Nightly Hunt

           The sun has set and it is time to prepare for the game.  Not long now and the hunt will be afoot.  It is so every evening as the sun's last light fades.

          I feel my whiskers quiver in anticipation.  I feel my eyes waxing large, growing in their strength while others feel their sight diminish with the waning of the sun.  I feel my whole being coming alive in this moment of excitement, the final moments before the nightly hunt begins.

          Let them assemble their hunting parties in their dusky halls.  Let them don their heavy jackets and acquire their hunting kit.  Let them bravely tell stories of hunts of old wherein they "had spied the cat among the bushes before the dark was full upon them and they had missed the curfew".  

          Allow them their final moments of jovial bravery before the hunt.  Let them sally forth in great multitudes and be routed.  Let them quiver in cold fear at the very thought of the sharp teeth of coyotes and imagine with feverish intent the cruel claws of owls.  My courage will hold fast as the light weakens.  Let them call and chase wildly in the night to no avail.  Tonight I shall not be found.  

          There have been nights where I have been unprepared and caught up before the darkness falls.  It will not be this night.  There have been nights where the swaying grasses have betrayed me, parting to show my form.  It will not be this night.  There may be a night where the time of the coyotes and broken quiet falls suddenly upon the world before the light has even started to fade.  But it will not be this night.

          Tonight I will sit in perfect stillness.  Tonight I will be the dusk and twilight gathering into night.  Tonight I will claim my inheritance.  I am a Cat.  I am born of shadows and darkness.  I am the stillness of the night and the danger in the shadows.  The nighttime is my birthright, the legacy of my ancestors.  

Lo there does the darkness call to me

Lo there do I see my father

Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers

Lo there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. 

They bid me take my place among them, in the ancient rites of darkness where cats are king and the brave may live forever.

Welcome New Cat Authors!

Life is a hectic race sometimes, isn't it?  In order to prevent the encroachment of life's crazy activities on my nap time I've decided to gather up some new experts, I mean cats, to contribute to this blog.  So, today, I'm going to introduce a few new cats to you.

Don't worry I'll still be here with critical advice for you.  In the meantime you will get to enjoy the wisdom of more than one cat.  We are all naturally brilliant creatures.  So, I know having a few more cat contributors will only be beneficial to everyone.

So without further ado, I will let the authors introduce themselves.  

Abelard

Hello, or Salve, as it's said in Ancient Rome.  I am a scholar, a linguist, and a great advocate for the Cat language.  Humans believe that the oldest language was Sumerian, dating to roughly 3500BC.  This is not true.  The poetic language of Cats has been part of a global oral tradition that vastly predates any written human language.  Our language has a sophistication, a beauty, that is hard to capture.  It is no secret that the Egyptian's revered us.  This is largely due to the elegance and finesse of our language, our culture, and our oral tradition.  

I suppose you are all wondering if the Ancient Cat language was a written language all of those years ago.  It has been a well kept secret but Cat had a secret written language that was known only to cats for many millennia.  A landmark Cat Council five years ago concluded that we could admit to the existence of our ancient written language, though no human will ever be taught Ancient Cat.  What is more known, but still a rather well kept secret is that a modern version of Cat has been developed to adapt Cat to age of the Internet.  

I think it is a true shame that there aren't more pieces written in Cat.  So, after this introduction all of my pieces will be written entirely in the modern Cat language.  As it's such a concise and beautifully nuanced language my posts will be short and elegant, much shorter than the English ones you'll read.  I'll include links to scholarly articles when appropriate.  Now, if you don't know Cat, then this is your chance to learn.  You're welcome.  

JoJo 

Hello, gentle cat folk and human pets.  I am a Russian Blue, a large, regal and dignified Cat, though I say so myself.  In my household I have three human pets and two dogs that I consider bodyguards.  I am here to provide you more advice on daily life, teach you the best training techniques for human pets, write a bit about life as a Cat and much more.  Some of my pieces will be more poetic, some comedic and some will just contain advice and anecdotes about my life.  I shall entertain and advise as long as Miss Kitty sees fit to keep me around.  

The SuRB

I am part of a secret underworld faction of Cat mobsters.  I cannot tell you who I work for.  In that life I am known as The SuRB.  It is short for Surly Round Bastard.  I have lived more of my nine lives than I will admit to in public.  But violence and risk are just part of the mobster life.  I have not been a naive kitten for several lives now.  Mob cats do not retire to live the quiet life and sleep on velvet cushions.  I am here to write some of the stories from the good old days.  Don't worry, none of these stories will come back to haunt you.  

For those of you human pets and pampered kittens who have never encountered a cat mobster I will give you a few basic facts.  Stories from past lives are allowed to be legends.  Every life a cat is allowed to choose a new name.  In the Cat Mob, a cat is usually given a name, rather like human gangsters from the films.  I was given my current name, The SuRB by some of my fellow mob cats.  You will have to ask them about it, if you have questions.  I am only here to tell stories about my past lives and events as a mob cat.  

Nerone

I'm an historian and will be bringing interesting Cat history to both Cats and human pets.  Our history has been long and complex across the globe and I think in modern times has been overlooked.  I blame the deplorable state of journalism and sensationalist news cycles for this.  Well, that and the internet meme culture.  Humans have been laughing at us for too long and neglecting the serious nature of important cat history and culture.  I think that this is in part due to the fact that Cats prefer to only speak on important subjects, not litter the internet with every passing thought that might occur to a dog.  We need to begin to balance the account of history with our own perspective and I am here to do just that.  

Princess

I am a lifestyle Cat.  I am here to teach you how to live the best life, to achieve a heightened state of royalty, and to get your human to pamper you beyond reason.  I'm talking diamonds and parties, velvet cushions, fashion and butter served on silver dishes.