Humans May Very Well Have Lost Their Minds

Dear Cherished Readers,

I’m afraid I have something alarming to report.  As we all know, the internet has never been a place for those of delicate sensibilities.  However, I discovered something that has shocked me to a new depth.  If you don’t care for indelicate topics of discussion I suggest you retire from this page to another before you are upset by the contents of this page.  If you stay be prepared to encounter a truly upsetting trend that I've just discovered among humans.  The other day I was scrolling through the internet catching up on news, looking for cat memes and so forth.  We are superior to all creatures and therefore even in comedy we are superior.  I argue that any cat who denies enjoying cat memes is lying to you.  Not that all memes are as amusing as humans think, but I digress. 

I started doing research into one of my favorite snacks, mice.  And I came across a website about mice.  Well, I should say, a website selling mice of all varieties, fancy mice, satin mice, black and white pied mice, and rex mice.  The idea of all those mice made me long for a good chase and a snack and a thought occurred to me.  What if this business were run by a cat?  

Mostly we cats prefer to sit back and relax and let our human pets do all the work for us, a lifestyle choice if you will.  However, the idea of having access to all these beautifully plump mice, I admit, has some appeal.  But I think it was just my hunger talking as I read through this website like a menu.  Upon further consideration I have realized there is no way this business selling mice is run by a cat. 

First, let’s address the extraneous things being sold.  A cat might find it worth their while to raise, and eat, I mean sell, mice.  Artisanal foods at farmer’s markets are a growing trend and I can see a business savvy cat bringing this trend to the fancy mouse market.  But no self-respecting cat would grow mealworms and superworms.  A kitten might bat at one a few times simply because they wiggle but other than that they are beneath our notice and therefore dignity.  They offer no challenge, no thrill of the hunt and they are not tasty, they have no value to a cat.  Aside from which, worms of this sort are usually fed to scaly things that we cats prefer to chase and destroy, not make contacts with.  So, clearly the purveyor of these goods is not a cat.

Secondly, and more alarmingly, is the purported purpose of the mice.  I had started reading the website thinking it was innocent enough.  What is not to like about plump docile mice, bred for their sweet temperament?  I quickly realized I’d let the delicious look of the mice distract me from the words on the page.  These mice are being sold as pets. 

Pets! 

I ask you, have you ever heard of such a preposterous notion?  Now, I'm going to say something shocking.  Have the prospected customers never heard of dogs, the more superior pet?  Gentle readers, you know I have no respect for the slobbering beasts called dogs.  The fact that the humans like to keep them as pets is still baffling to me.  However, facing the shocking idea of keeping mice in the beloved position of pet leads me to say that I think dogs would be a more noble pet.  I have seen humans keeping dogs, horses, and even scaly things as pets.  I thought that was bad enough.  I had, of course, heard rumours of humans keeping mice as pets but I thought it was just that, a dirty rumour.  

At first I was shocked, scandalized even, and I hoped it was some sort of joke.  But I assure you it is not.  There are even links about how to take care of mice as pets.  The idea of investing energy into keeping a fancy mouse as a pet.  Why, it’s almost too appalling to mention. 

Simply imagine the tensions within your kingdom that a pet mouse would cause.  Can you really guarantee that you wouldn't reach a moment of frustrated hunger that would lead you to eat your beloved pet human's pet mouse?  I assure you that the death of a pet mouse would not do much for the peace of your home.  Now, now, I can feel your indignation.  As a cat, it's my job to eat rodents you say.  Don't think I don't understand.

The problem is that you would have already allowed your pet human to bond with and make an emotional connection with a snack item.  There is no point in trying to explain this to your human.  They are simple, emotional creatures.  The fact would be lost on them that this situation is remarkably similar to you bonding with a chocolate donut and then crying when they eat it.  You cannot reason with your pet's emotions.  They will be sad, that is the simple truth.  That is why it is best to simply avoid this scenario entirely.  It is best to simply deny your pets the power of owning a pet mouse.

Now, it's possible that this is only a large trend on the East Coast.  The website in question, selling fancy pet mice, is for mice in Rhode Island.  I ask all you feline readers from the East Coast, is this a growing trend among humans in your region?

Truly, wild humans, who don't have a gentling feline presence in their lives to guide them, have been found to get up to all manner of crazy activities.  You cannot worry about the activities of all humans, you can only worry about your own pet humans and their sanity and discipline.  Letting them think they can bring mice into the house as a pet and set rules for you concerning the mice is the quickest road to insubordination in your home.  This will lead to all manner of discipline problems.

My advice, my fine whiskered readers, is to try to restore your pet's sanity.  Start by reminding them that they only need your company.  If that does not satisfy them you may have to resort to trying to sabotage your pet's idea to acquire a pet mouse.  Start leaving them hints that dogs would be a more traditional choice of pet, or perhaps a horse that you can at the very least justify as a work animal.  If all else fails you can always try using the method described in a previous article to stop your human cold.  You can read it here should you so desire.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.

xx

Miss Kitty

Daily Advice: The Quickest Way to Freak Out a Human

Dear Cherished Feline Readers,

You know I'm a fan of human pets and wish them no harm.  However, it is on occasion important to have an edge on them and to use it.  Sometimes humans can be obstinate.  It does them no good to hold onto things or worse yet they sometimes try to enforce some fresh new obstinacy on us.  The absolute quickest way to get a human to stop being obstinate, irrational, or trying to impose their will on you is to play on their emotions and suspicions.  Note, this is a dangerous game to play.  Don't use it unless it is necessary as the quickest way to keep your human safe, or dissolve a fraught situation.

Ok, so, if you deem it is necessary to stop your human pet cold, I give you the following advice.  Humans are emotional and suspicious creatures that can be brought to a cold terror in under two minutes.  And the beautiful part is that it's the easiest thing in the world.  All you need to do to stop a human dead is to stare with crazy intensity at a thing that isn't there.  If you pick a spot near the corner of the ceiling and stare at it as though it holds something fascinating and vaguely upsetting your human will stop whatever they were doing and ask "what do you see?", or "what are you staring at?".  If you persist in staring at that spot as though breaking eye contact could have some disastrous consequence you'll quickly have them responding emotionally whether they want to or not.  You'll soon see that humans have a deep fear of things they cannot see.  Best case scenario you will have your human convinced there is a ghost and only you can see it.  At the very least they will feel unsettled and be freaked out for a few minutes before they can rationalize themselves back into feeling safe.

Either way, your human pet will immediately stop whatever offensive behavior, they were engaged in.  More than that even, their brief emotional stint will make them forget entirely what they were about before all of the freaking out.

Well, aside from a further caution that this technique should be used very sparingly, I have no other advice for you on this point.  And now my gentle feline readers it is time for me to retire for the evening.

As always, I am at your service because it pleases me to be so.


xx
Miss Kitty